To those of you who don't use your real picture because you think you're ugly... Thank you.

The shitty thing about being bipolar is that it's fucking awesome.

I'm not saying I'm better than you.

I'm implying it.

Sometimes when I'm feeling lonely, I write a letter to a prison inmate to tell them how much better my life is than theirs.

Men with cats, explain yourselves.

Hug a tree. Then rub your hands along it's trunk and tell it how knotty it is.

True love is fucking someone when you're not even horny.

Never kiss and tell. If you did it right, she'll do the bragging for you.

Rolling a joint is stoner origami.

Women claim they're better at multitasking than men, but shove two dicks in their face and they freak out.

It's cute when you pretend that the reason you're single is that you're picky, instead of disgusting.

Once you're all grown up its perfectly safe to talk to strangers or get into their van.

A vagina is worthless unless it's attached to a freak.

I wonder how many women refuse to date me because my hair is better than theirs.

My idea of a psychological thriller is taking a handful of meds and seeing what happens to me.

Behind every successful man is a woman having wild morning sex with him.

The only way I'd eat a vegetable is if Jessica Alba got in a horrible car wreck.

Hey. I'm here for you.

Outside your house, smelling your dryer vent.

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is a copy of your naughty list.

Love,

-Tim

No one can ever steal your air guitar.