How much baby shampoo do I have to drink to activate this "no more tears" promise?

Your mother nodding solemnly on Antiques Roadshow as the appraiser explains that the ashtray you made for her in 1st grade is absolute shit.

LOL there's like 20 guys w/ "Female Body Inspector" windbreakers that's hilarious they're seizing my hard drive & business records LMAO

Kinda dumb that they don't call boxing "fisting" isn't it? Anyway welcome to Applebee's can I start you folks off with some drinks?

If you're not Hamburger Helpin' then your Hamburger Hurtin' son, leave the table & don't come back till you learn some respect.

If you can't handle me in my shirts you don't deserve me in my vest.

"All yall muthafuckas" is not an official headcount.

"I'm a lover not a fighter" I say, sliding my fully erect member into the boxing glove as my horrified trainer looks on.

Poundtown? The Bone Zone? West Fuckington? Dad do you have any real maps in this car we're pretty goddamned lost right now!

Gurl I wanna rummage them stacks like you was an antique bookstore & find rare editions at low, low prices damn gurl this metaphor off track

Mario & Luigi are the "Mario Bros."? That makes no fucking sense, they are gay married & they adopted Yoshi yes I'll hold for a supervisor

#HeresWhatIBelieve Magnets are just gay rocks.

The greatest trick the Devil ever played was when he went like he was gonna throw the ball but it was really in his hand but you ran for it.

Teenage sex is like teenage suicide; they're both really good, cool things that I wish I had done.

This cop is all "stop or I'll shoot!" lol dude if you hate me that much just unfollow me.

Ladies call me Birthday Candles cuz when you blow me the party is basically over plus your wish didn't come true.

Jokingly calling it a "broner" does nothing to break the tension in the Planet Fitness locker room fyi.

#QuestionsObamaWontAnswer "What idiot named them Predator Drones instead of Barack Obombers?"

This sound proofing doesn't work you can still hear me cry from basically anywhere in the house.

I tell people I don't own a t.v. because it makes me sound smart but I actually rent one for $125/week so I'm actually dumber than dog shit