Airlines could be REALLY useful if all they lost was your emotional baggage.

Why is the response 'No I don't smoke' when one asks for a match? You could be a pyromaniac.

I'm eating fried chicken and a deviled egg because I like to keep families together.

Carrying a full bowl of dog water is like being in the bomb squad.

My Irish accent sounds suspiciously pirate.

@stephenathome What will we throw at hookers?

I'm sort of at the place in my life where I could go for a cookie.

I'm making myself an Egg McMuffin for lunch. I even asked if I wanted fries with that. I didn't.

The dog is spooning the couch. Theirs is a forbidden love.

There's always a spark of excitement seeing a crab who's almost clawed his way out of the tank. Secretly, I cheer.

I'm the kind of adventurer that will rip my skirt higher, to run faster.

Biscotti feels like someone's trying to pawn off a mistake as something fancy.

My brain only wants to worry or fall asleep. If it keeps this up, it's going back in the jar.

Celebrities have to carry big purses so they can manage all their self loathing.

I'm convinced there's a roaming tribe of wookies that use my bath just before I decide to clean it.

Sometimes you're the monkey with the hose and sometimes you're the mute human in the cage.

My favorite part about communication is when people focus on your words so much they miss the point.

I think I'm maturing, my nightmares are now about college instead of high school.

I like when Old Blue Eyes sings...and by that, I mean Gene Wilder.

Republicans had better get the REAL candidates out soon, time is running out.