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Did you know that red wine is actually one of the richest sources of self-esteem?
Tomorrow is Fake Laugh at Your Co-Workers' Inane Pranks Day which for me is also Bring Vicodin to Work Day.
Setting the alarm for 6am is my first joke of the day.
Had a baby. I am in total shock. The pain is indescribable. And so is the love. Totally beside myself, and I'm not even high.
I always thought MILF meant Moms I'd Like to Free from the constraints of patriarchy :(
Sexiest shapes in order: boob shape, vagina shape, all other shapes, penis shape.
I'm going to invent TwitterLite where you can only use 65 charact
It's the first day of the rest of my life and I'm bored already.
I think Banksy smeared hummus on my car.
She's a butternut, everything is sexy but her nuts
Hooters is for sissies. Seriously, go to a strip club.
I want to delete a tweet that has a typo but 5 people liked it and I have self esteem issues.
The problem with writing poetry is you eventually become the type of person that writes poetry.
I think I just got lice. Like really understand them.
I'm waiting for my neti pot water to cool down because I am 38 years old.
The guy next to me is a total douchebag. Must have been a pre-cum baby.
Rather than encouraging girls to be leaders can't we teach boys to stop leading? Can't we teach them hesitancy? And modesty?
If you are kind and generous all the while knowing there is only decomposition after death, you're probably going to heaven.
I wrote a joke book. That's a lot more joke books than Joyce Carol Oates ever wrote. Librarian, poet type, etc.