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Did you know that red wine is actually one of the richest sources of self-esteem?
Had a baby. I am in total shock. The pain is indescribable. And so is the love. Totally beside myself, and I'm not even high.
I always thought MILF meant Moms I'd Like to Free from the constraints of patriarchy :(
Tomorrow is Fake Laugh at Your Co-Workers' Inane Pranks Day which for me is also Bring Vicodin to Work Day.
Sexiest shapes in order: boob shape, vagina shape, all other shapes, penis shape.
She's a butternut, everything is sexy but her nuts
It's the first day of the rest of my life and I'm bored already.
Hooters is for sissies. Seriously, go to a strip club.
The problem with writing poetry is you eventually become the type of person that writes poetry.
I'm going to invent TwitterLite where you can only use 65 charact
The guy next to me is a total douchebag. Must have been a pre-cum baby.
How do you feel about your win? Great. How do you feel about your loss? Sad. There, now we never have to interview another athlete.
I'm so hungover I just tried to chew water.
It took me all day, but I just discovered how to ejaculate while doing nothing but the Christian Side Hug.
WTF, I thought writing a joke book was the pinnacle of literary stardom, but I just got name dropped in the NY Times! http://www.nytimes.com/2013/04/14/magazine/and-now-deep-thoughts-about-deep-thoughts.html?pagewanted=all&_r=1& …
I'll try anything five or six times.
If McDonalds delivered, America would die.
I had a dream I wrote a really boring tweet about a dream I had.
What's up with men? And women? And kids and old people?
Getting my blankets all germy for Columbus Day.
I wrote a joke book. That's a lot more joke books than Joyce Carol Oates ever wrote.