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I always thought MILF meant Moms I'd Like to Free from the constraints of patriarchy :(
Sexiest shapes in order: boob shape, vagina shape, all other shapes, penis shape.
God, I'm so sick of bros, dudes, guys, gods, doctors, presidents, men, gentlemen, priests, Nobel Prize winners, physicists, and men.
Did you know that red wine is actually one of the richest sources of self-esteem?
The closest thing we have to zombies are LinkedIn invitations.
The problem with writing poetry is you eventually become the type of person that writes poetry.
If it weren't for all the sex scenes, The Elephant Man would be really sad.
Tomorrow is Fake Laugh at Your Co-Workers' Inane Pranks Day which for me is also Bring Vicodin to Work Day.
Setting the alarm for 6am is my first joke of the day.
Had a baby. I am in total shock. The pain is indescribable. And so is the love. Totally beside myself, and I'm not even high.
I'm the cheapest date ever. I will not go on a date with you.
I was a waitress for 10 years of my life. I worked in diners. One time a customer found change in his omelette. Like nickels and shit.
I'm going to invent TwitterLite where you can only use 65 charact
When one man wears cologne it is as if 1200 men are wearing cologne.
Basically, humans are idiots who keep forgetting they're idiots.
It's the first day of the rest of my life and I'm bored already.
I think Banksy smeared hummus on my car.
She's a butternut, everything is sexy but her nuts
I want to delete a tweet that has a typo but 5 people liked it and I have self esteem issues.
I wrote a joke book. That's a lot more joke books than Joyce Carol Oates ever wrote. Librarian, poet type, etc. Get my new book: http://bit.ly/1hI3l1F