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Did you know that red wine is actually one of the richest sources of self-esteem?
Tomorrow is Fake Laugh at Your Co-Workers' Inane Pranks Day which for me is also Bring Vicodin to Work Day.
Had a baby. I am in total shock. The pain is indescribable. And so is the love. Totally beside myself, and I'm not even high.
I always thought MILF meant Moms I'd Like to Free from the constraints of patriarchy :(
Sexiest shapes in order: boob shape, vagina shape, all other shapes, penis shape.
Setting the alarm for 6am is my first joke of the day.
I'm going to invent TwitterLite where you can only use 65 charact
It's the first day of the rest of my life and I'm bored already.
I think Banksy smeared hummus on my car.
She's a butternut, everything is sexy but her nuts
Hooters is for sissies. Seriously, go to a strip club.
The problem with writing poetry is you eventually become the type of person that writes poetry.
I'm waiting for my neti pot water to cool down because I am 38 years old.
The guy next to me is a total douchebag. Must have been a pre-cum baby.
I think I just got lice. Like really understand them.
If you are kind and generous all the while knowing there is only decomposition after death, you're probably going to heaven.
How do you feel about your win? Great. How do you feel about your loss? Sad. There, now we never have to interview another athlete.
I'm so hungover I just tried to chew water.
I wrote a joke book. That's a lot more joke books than Joyce Carol Oates ever wrote.