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I want to give some "friends" negative gift cards. Like you now owe Panera $25.
Hey Harper Lee, no pressure or anything.
People on dates freak me out.
Sexiest shapes in order: boob shape, vagina shape, all other shapes, penis shape.
God, I'm so sick of bros, dudes, guys, gods, doctors, presidents, men, gentlemen, priests, Nobel Prize winners, physicists, and men.
Did you know that red wine is actually one of the richest sources of self-esteem?
The closest thing we have to zombies are LinkedIn invitations.
The problem with writing poetry is you eventually become the type of person that writes poetry.
Tomorrow is Fake Laugh at Your Co-Workers' Inane Pranks Day which for me is also Bring Vicodin to Work Day.
I dreamed the best response to saying you're a poet.
Me: I'm a poet.
Man: I have an Allman Brothers CD in my office.
If it weren't for all the sex scenes, The Elephant Man would be really sad.
Setting the alarm for 6am is my first joke of the day.
Had a baby. I am in total shock. The pain is indescribable. And so is the love. Totally beside myself, and I'm not even high.
There are only two kinds of people in this world and they both are annoying.
I read that's it's healthy to drink a few beers every night in a tweet I just wrote.
I don't sleep, it's more like worrying with my eyes closed.
If you were a brain in a vat and told me I was funny I would date you like four times.
I am officially announcing my candidacy for the Republican presidential nomination. Librarian, poet type. Listen to my joke album: http://t.co/dFLlg2aAJ8
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