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  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she's gone to heaven. That way they're super-excited when she gets back from the gym.

    • 1,454
    • FAVS
    ariscottjas0njamesjessmontalbanoJulianaAbaunzageniusindisgizeNyAdasBadluck33jaxpierced
    • 1,655
    • RETWEETS
    jessmontalbanobillbame1966TheWadest69shadesoftaarjobless4eyesSir108kidroxas101bbyvelociraptor
    iamjeffsloanseagullskistockejockJaySaysStuffArroialakeanagirlVodkaShorebird5haelHrBrybennybootDeanB15YourDeadbeatDadUpturnedBathtubnavesssaCrudeUntimely
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    I hit a deer last night. It died instantly. I feel awful, but when I'm jogging I'm in my own world.

    • 1,673
    • FAVS
    DilemmaEmmaEmmaEddieMcSugarnuttrumpetcakebrownjohnblcLuvPugNostradamAssHathuberjdMr_Paskie
    • 853
    • RETWEETS
    fiskdognotsleeepingVodkaShorebirdEddieMcSugarnutKarloH8TesYouMr_PaskieOfer20ncountinmissterf
    ibid78msdanifernandezbazlyonsshwebby2__________OhhBradd
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    It's gonna be a sad day when Twitter finds a way to delete spam accounts and we realize there are only twelve of us on here.

    • 1,081
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyariscottidiotonthemendhannahdouble_TheMattyMaySamuraiBatgirlmatt_welperedbriton
    • 834
    • RETWEETS
    BigHeadKidNo2SamuraiBatgirlsmchenailleSocialChalleng1afifah_pipVineMackenzieadamcomicspeakKatelynRepke
    INeed_AnAdultLollyVpColt_SeethersDudeImShawn
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    I'll tell you what a woman wants. She wants you to drag her to the bedroom, toss her down, and do the dishes while she takes a fucking nap.

    • 1,081
    • FAVS
    scott_towelNunovyerbiznismorgan_peltsNoslo3OhighIsiscosmicbibiKentWGrahamCoLiN69J
    • 772
    • RETWEETS
    scott_towelJocilynEmmaOhighIsiscosmicbibiKentWGrahamCoLiN69JHollyMemphisGeorgeKaplan8
    ArroiaSternoShotseliserose5MyFairCharityWhosTheresa
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    Not saying I went to the roughest high school, but I was voted Most Likely to Shut the Fuck Up White Boy You Ain't Shit Fuck You

    • 1,103
    • FAVS
    hazelmotes1cosmicbibialbywizzystef_on_yaabhorrent_wifeHollyMemphisWhoopdeedoo22DanKCharnley
    • 747
    • RETWEETS
    emmychristmascosmicbibiHollyMemphisAshley_AlaskaWhatevaConcNyAdasTheWadesteliserose5
    TheWadestdanjan13BillFienbergdsmitty_62VodkaShorebirdu_jellicent
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    I'm finally ready to tell my parents they're gay.

    • 975
    • FAVS
    HollyMemphisWhoopdeedoo22fullblowndaveTheTopO_TheHillAshley_AlaskageniusindisgizeNyAdaspaul_gude
    • 455
    • RETWEETS
    Ashley_AlaskaLil_Dials2billbame1966TheWadestbenthemanhammonEBiggumsrankingTweetsjr4jackrabbit
    nicfit75BillArrundaleBuddyAckerStexcyjoelebean
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    DOROTHY: And you, Scarecrow, well I'll miss you most of all.
    (Tin Man turns to Lion)
    TIN MAN: What the fuck was that shit?

    • 881
    • FAVS
    OriginalCatsieRebeccaH711tchrquotesSpotTheManiacPurldITalkToHorsies13spencerTomHanksIsHot
    • 483
    • RETWEETS
    YolandaRichard7Doom_Jedibitterlittlemaneliserose5KimS1508KristenWhalen7KatieBurnettthe_gunjack
    13spencerDoom_JediDanKCharnley
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    Killer prank idea. Cut your finger off, then barely re-attach it. Tell someone to pull it. It comes off. They scream. Optional: Still fart.

    • 890
    • FAVS
    fullblowndavegeniusindisgizeGoofyGeminiClintinSDRitz_SmashMolassesBadgeryeahhstephLawbsterSaid
    • 423
    • RETWEETS
    Ashley_AlaskaHopperLubberTheWadestcool8julesLepriConnSasssPantsjr4jackrabbitsamcheston
    Scigglezflashemberclaire_mudietheedgeofchris__
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    I do this sex move where I step on a Lego and crumble to the floor like a man shot at Normandy.

    • 880
    • FAVS
    fullblowndaveAshley_Alaskarunswscissors21DameDeLesChatsskisheejkramblesPsychicStonerLousyBastard
    • 413
    • RETWEETS
    Ashley_AlaskaBlonde4DayzPsychicStonerLousyBastardterriucrStu_MonsterMapleLubeDawnOfTheCynic
    SSDatedkamiekaymee__IsaacKozell
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    If you mix LSD with Advil your headache rides away on a dragon.

    • 740
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyfullblowndaveSkullfuckTAshley_Alaskarunswscissors21vxlkSuper_CynthiaCaveman_42
    • 486
    • RETWEETS
    NanitaPalenciaSkullfuckTAshley_AlaskaMILFDianeFlowerChild037ladyfiredancerRealShaughnBarryBeau
    BarryBeau_InsanelyNormal__adamshermanesqScigglez__________
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    Sing like no one is listening. Dance like no one is watching. Tweet like there's a complete asshole in 7A.

    • 672
    • FAVS
    Whoopdeedoo22DanKCharnleygarethseltzerthegayfarmerguykelkuluseliserose5CanadianMclovinCaveman_42
    • 295
    • RETWEETS
    eliserose5MikhaylaJessiemollyrunyonbookwmTamaraTattlesmara_fullerrealitytvnotDickBiggins
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    Kanye West is still mad about that tornado dropping my house on Kanye East.

    • 503
    • FAVS
    booyahchadlyJamieGreenleesninjamoose101DanKCharnleyAliffArshadladyfiredancerstockejockibid78
    • 388
    • RETWEETS
    CanadianMclovinTh3ReaLBaLakaymonicasjungleGarrattBradmuddymudskipperaaronmg412War_Bacondieegorod
    Doom_Jedi
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    My wife is doing this elaborate four-year prank where she leaves me and starts another family in Ohio and looks extremely happy on Facebook.

    • 645
    • FAVS
    Whoopdeedoo22DanKCharnleyTheWadestLuvPugRachelLeigh227RowdyPrimatematt_welperCanadianMclovin
    • 220
    • RETWEETS
    Lil_Dials2AndLive2LovehimynameiswinrynorwegianpersonAmee_H__lazydaizeAlexMalsIsaFitz
    flashember
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    Had no idea why my salad was $175, 'til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.

    • 489
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleykevincurleyjrvxlkbullryderdanBrandonFord5noonzworldDiaryOfIceTeampredli
    • 362
    • RETWEETS
    BrandonFord5mpredliStellaMChenSnarkySabskathybotteasCanadianMclovinleashaletteSuzzKalu
    stephcantsiu
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    MISSED CONNECTIONS: You on rooftop in Gotham, dressed as bat. Me in muscle vest, chastity belt on mouth, punching you in face. Brunch?

    • 328
    • FAVS
    Whoopdeedoo22DanKCharnleyTheWadestvxlkladyfiredancerstockejockibid78ManvAlcohol
    • 478
    • RETWEETS
    ScigglezBigRedKrautBeautifulVixen1__nononowaityeah__clayureKalel0119flyingPOTUSGreenEyedJedi
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    Allowing gays to declare bankruptcy has ruined the sanctity of my own bankruptcy.

    • 468
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyTheWadestvxlkladyfiredancerburdettekevinibid78ManvAlcoholJohnLyonTweets
    • 315
    • RETWEETS
    JamesBarrettssunset_protadpoleno3armyVet1972beer_coreyBigRedKrautscott_towelqqnqui
    1800Randy
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    We can't be friends if you don't at least occasionally try to move things with your mind, just to check.

    • 448
    • FAVS
    magically_freeMelyLeveilleNiamsteninchallyscandyWhoopdeedoo22Aurora35015142ryncsDanKCharnley
    • 308
    • RETWEETS
    _stylesmarmiteDrunkOffLxrrylaurastweeteuralaurennnnnnThee0ptimistic3alia_xxYurisame_Adreamstarash
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    "We have visual contact with London?"
    "Yes, Sir"
    "And France?"
    "Confirmed, General"
    "Well then Private, where the hell are the underpants?!"

    • 371
    • FAVS
    Whoopdeedoo22DanKCharnleygarethseltzerhangin_outeliserose5vxlkCanadianMclovinladyfiredancer
    • 346
    • RETWEETS
    CranberryBlogs1hangin_outeliserose5SenseiNativaC_Dangerdanjan13missbunnie22MBBeachRat
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    In fairness, the #NRA did call for putting corduroy pants on all deranged people so we'll hear the "vwip vwip vwip" as they approach.

    • 300
    • FAVS
    Whoopdeedoo22DanKCharnleyCanadianMclovinSuper_CynthiaCaveman_42ladyfiredanceribid78ManvAlcohol
    • 390
    • RETWEETS
    favstar_historySternoShotsShellyRaePghExtremelyDivamissbunnie22MBBeachRatBigRedKrautNoPantyClaus
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    If you haven't read the unbelievable eulogy delivered by little Noah Pozner's mother, I have attached it. pic.twitter.com/p2mIOuLS

    • 313
    • FAVS
    Caveman_42ladyfiredancerManvAlcoholmonicasjungleMommy_Fabmatt_little91ExtremelyDivascorpiusryan21
    • 377
    • RETWEETS
    lisaandtotscarlykenBigRedKrautKarlaMcLean11renees_echos______kenken_squirrelcatrivellikmr68
@VaguelyFunnyDan

@VaguelyFunnyDan

Georgian, vegan, wildly sensual, half-Jewish writer/producer. Creator of the WB's Dickpunchaz. Account is 18+. No 24-28. 29-40 is OK. No 41-50. 51+ is fine.