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  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she's gone to heaven. That way they're super-excited when she gets back from the gym.

    • 1,444
    • FAVS
    Ninja_Soup_CanadianMcloviniMikosnycSuper_CynthiaCaveman_42jobless4eyeschrismoidCopperheadSammi
    • 1,653
    • RETWEETS
    69shadesoftaarjobless4eyesSir108kidroxas101bbyvelociraptorCheeneelynspopsjavaguysammckee
    iamjeffsloanseagullskistockejockJaySaysStuffArroialakeanagirlVodkaShorebird5haelHrBrybennybootDeanB15YourDeadbeatDadUpturnedBathtubnavesssaCrudeUntimely
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    I hit a deer last night. It died instantly. I feel awful, but when I'm jogging I'm in my own world.

    • 1,633
    • FAVS
    derrickvarnedoeNinja_Soup_Nat_in_LApuro2ngroguehippo1GadZuksUGANDANCRAZYAdhocho
    • 831
    • RETWEETS
    BlakB1rdinkedup4thekingAggrocentricdrescalegnarlsongnarlsFeedTheWhales01alannnaiWilliamAder
    ibid78msdanifernandezbazlyonsshwebby2__________OhhBradd
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    It's gonna be a sad day when Twitter finds a way to delete spam accounts and we realize there are only twelve of us on here.

    • 1,078
    • FAVS
    hannahdouble_TheMattyMaySamuraiBatgirlmatt_welperedbritonCanadianMcloviniMikosnycSocialChalleng1
    • 834
    • RETWEETS
    BigHeadKidNo2SamuraiBatgirlsmchenailleSocialChalleng1afifah_pipVineMackenzieadamcomicspeakKatelynRepke
    INeed_AnAdultLollyVpColt_SeethersDudeImShawn
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    Not saying I went to the roughest high school, but I was voted Most Likely to Shut the Fuck Up White Boy You Ain't Shit Fuck You

    • 1,078
    • FAVS
    hangin_outzayuchthegayfarmerguyaugtopiaeliserose5MapleLubeCanadianMcloviniMikosnyc
    • 740
    • RETWEETS
    eliserose5Browneyed_mamabridesmaid_4evrsass_n_asspray4thabasicsSirDinzJeremyKCMOmonicasjungle
    danjan13BillFienbergdsmitty_62VodkaShorebirdu_jellicent
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    I'll tell you what a woman wants. She wants you to drag her to the bedroom, toss her down, and do the dishes while she takes a fucking nap.

    • 1,033
    • FAVS
    KouklamichelleCanadianMclovinSuper_CynthiaBWenclGre_GoneCaveman_42funnybeachgirlstockejock
    • 749
    • RETWEETS
    BWenclCaveman_42minealone6ladyfiredancerfemiaddamsDawnOfTheCynicBrowneyed_mamasarraamh
    ArroiaSternoShotseliserose5MyFairCharity__WhosTheresa
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    I'm finally ready to tell my parents they're gay.

    • 965
    • FAVS
    Revvyrev920SteelCityDawnEBiggumshelloshmerinPussycatPlacenickrawlsterryn33WallyWeaksauce
    • 451
    • RETWEETS
    bigB_lildEBiggumsrankingTweetsjr4jackrabbitcdale72The_Jess_thompsMagicMike808nicfit75
    nicfit75BillArrundaleBuddyAckerStexcyjoelebean
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    Killer prank idea. Cut your finger off, then barely re-attach it. Tell someone to pull it. It comes off. They scream. Optional: Still fart.

    • 880
    • FAVS
    katiezajnerDadandBuriedcool8julesnickrawlsniki0ntapchuckyhead3bradley_utzGrimKids
    • 419
    • RETWEETS
    cool8julesLepriConnSasssPantsjr4jackrabbitsamchestonSkiminskinicfit75MapleLube
    Scigglezflashemberclaire_mudietheedgeofchris
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    I do this sex move where I step on a Lego and crumble to the floor like a man shot at Normandy.

    • 876
    • FAVS
    skisheejkramblesPsychicStonerLousyBastardterriucrStu_MonsterHermitsUnited77AwesomeDaryn21
    • 412
    • RETWEETS
    Blonde4DayzPsychicStonerLousyBastardterriucrStu_MonsterMapleLubeDawnOfTheCynicOmarKhyamiam
    SSDatedkamiekaymee__IsaacKozell
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    If you mix LSD with Advil your headache rides away on a dragon.

    • 735
    • FAVS
    vxlkSuper_CynthiaCaveman_42MILFDianeSuisunDanFlowerChild037beersudsladyfiredancer
    • 484
    • RETWEETS
    MILFDianeFlowerChild037ladyfiredancerRealShaughnBarryBeauSarah_RicardJewshhhReeCount
    BarryBeau_InsanelyNormal__adamshermanesqScigglez__________
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    Sing like no one is listening. Dance like no one is watching. Tweet like there's a complete asshole in 7A.

    • 670
    • FAVS
    garethseltzerthegayfarmerguykelkuluseliserose5CanadianMclovinCaveman_42RekLeCounteladyfiredancer
    • 295
    • RETWEETS
    eliserose5MikhaylaJessiemollyrunyonbookwmTamaraTattlesmara_fullerrealitytvnotDickBiggins
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    Kanye West is still mad about that tornado dropping my house on Kanye East.

    • 499
    • FAVS
    AliffArshadladyfiredancerstockejockibid78ManvAlcoholTh3ReaLBaLakaymonicasjungleJohnLyonTweets
    • 388
    • RETWEETS
    CanadianMclovinTh3ReaLBaLakaymonicasjungleGarrattBradmuddymudskipperaaronmg412War_Bacondieegorod
    Doom_Jedi
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    My wife is doing this elaborate four-year prank where she leaves me and starts another family in Ohio and looks extremely happy on Facebook.

    • 642
    • FAVS
    LuvPugRachelLeigh227RowdyPrimatematt_welperCanadianMclovinatommcnzRandy_Stradleyjhalm40
    • 219
    • RETWEETS
    AndLive2LovehimynameiswinrynorwegianpersonAmee_HlazydaizeAlexMalsIsaFitzNicoletteSerbus
    flashember
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    Had no idea why my salad was $175, 'til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.

    • 487
    • FAVS
    vxlkbullryderdanBrandonFord5noonzworldDiaryOfIceTeampredliAliffArshadfrantic_bmx
    • 362
    • RETWEETS
    BrandonFord5mpredliStellaMChenSnarkySabskathybotteasCanadianMclovinleashaletteSuzzKalu
    stephcantsiu
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    MISSED CONNECTIONS: You on rooftop in Gotham, dressed as bat. Me in muscle vest, chastity belt on mouth, punching you in face. Brunch?

    • 325
    • FAVS
    vxlkladyfiredancerstockejockibid78ManvAlcoholMommy_FabScigglezleashalette
    • 478
    • RETWEETS
    ScigglezBigRedKrautBeautifulVixen1nononowaityeah__clayureKalel0119flyingPOTUSGreenEyedJedi
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    Allowing gays to declare bankruptcy has ruined the sanctity of my own bankruptcy.

    • 466
    • FAVS
    vxlkladyfiredancerburdettekevinibid78ManvAlcoholJohnLyonTweetsSpuhddyScigglez
    • 315
    • RETWEETS
    JamesBarrettssunset_protadpoleno3armyVet1972beer_coreyBigRedKrautscott_towelqqnqui
    1800Randy
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    We can't be friends if you don't at least occasionally try to move things with your mind, just to check.

    • 431
    • FAVS
    thegayfarmerguykelkuluseliserose5SierrasJoyclaireleung9joeytqhxvxlkMimoo212
    • 289
    • RETWEETS
    santiagohercabeliserose5anisfatinimhalina_cepedaGino4tuneSmithBruuEddScissorMouthraymantis_
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    "We have visual contact with London?"
    "Yes, Sir"
    "And France?"
    "Confirmed, General"
    "Well then Private, where the hell are the underpants?!"

    • 369
    • FAVS
    garethseltzerhangin_outeliserose5vxlkCanadianMclovinladyfiredanceribid78nicci_carney
    • 346
    • RETWEETS
    CranberryBlogs1hangin_outeliserose5SenseiNativaC_Dangerdanjan13missbunnie22MBBeachRat
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    If you haven't read the unbelievable eulogy delivered by little Noah Pozner's mother, I have attached it. pic.twitter.com/p2mIOuLS

    • 313
    • FAVS
    Caveman_42ladyfiredancerManvAlcoholmonicasjungleMommy_Fabmatt_little91ExtremelyDivascorpiusryan21
    • 377
    • RETWEETS
    lisaandtotscarlykenBigRedKrautKarlaMcLean11renees_echos______kenken_squirrelcatrivellikmr68
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    In fairness, the #NRA did call for putting corduroy pants on all deranged people so we'll hear the "vwip vwip vwip" as they approach.

    • 298
    • FAVS
    CanadianMclovinSuper_CynthiaCaveman_42ladyfiredanceribid78ManvAlcoholMommy_FabScigglez
    • 390
    • RETWEETS
    favstar_historySternoShotsShellyRaePghExtremelyDivamissbunnie22MBBeachRatBigRedKrautNoPantyClaus
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    I think the Wayans are wrong about the world ending this year.

    • 450
    • FAVS
    CanadianMclovinCaveman_42ibid78ManvAlcoholJohnLyonTweetsScigglezmissingblakesthefosterer
    • 179
    • RETWEETS
    SickayduhAnschlitzleashaletteSacamanoBExtremelyDivaMBBeachRatBigRedKrautHoneyBaaBaa
    SacamanoB
@VaguelyFunnyDan

@VaguelyFunnyDan

Georgian, vegan, wildly sensual, half-Jewish writer/producer. Creator of the WB's Dickpunchaz. Account is 18+. No 24-28. 29-40 is OK. No 41-50. 51+ is fine.