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Sorry me letting my son wear a dress makes you uncomfortable. See I'm trying this crazy thing where I have his back no matter what, forever.
Just so we're clear, the day Twitter folds we're moving this entire fucking thing to the Nutella product review thread at Amazon.
I hit a deer last night. It died instantly. I feel awful, but when I'm jogging I'm in my own world.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she's gone to heaven. That way they're super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
It's gonna be a sad day when Twitter finds a way to delete spam accounts and we realize there are only twelve of us on here.
Not saying I went to the roughest high school, but I was voted Most Likely to Shut the Fuck Up White Boy You Ain't Shit Fuck You
I'll tell you what a woman wants. She wants you to drag her to the bedroom, toss her down, and do the dishes while she takes a fucking nap.
Killer prank idea. Cut your finger off, then barely re-attach it. Tell someone to pull it. It comes off. They scream. Optional: Still fart.
I'm finally ready to tell my parents they're gay.
It's only a matter of time before we see senseless shootings in America too.
We can't be friends if you don't at least occasionally try to move things with your mind, just to check.
DOROTHY: And you, Scarecrow, well I'll miss you most of all.
(Tin Man turns to Lion)
TIN MAN: What the fuck was that shit?
Whole Foods Cashier: "Would you like to make a donation?"
Me: "No, just the 8 items for $172, thanks"
If you mix LSD with Advil your headache rides away on a dragon.
I do this sex move where I step on a Lego and crumble to the floor like a man shot at Normandy.
It's so strange how cops started murdering black people once everyone had camera phones. We should get rid of these phones so they stop.
Georgian, vegan, half-Jew writer/producer of SON OF ERNEST & Funny or Die's Greg & Charmaine. Account is 18+. No 24-28. 29-40 is OK. No 41-50. 51+ is fine.
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