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  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    I hit a deer last night. It died instantly. I feel awful, but when I'm jogging I'm in my own world.

    • 2,747
    • FAVS
    museofhistoryukelele28MaryKoCoKyleSledgekristennnnnnnTmoney68GeffronAtHomeAlexWoenkhaus
    • 1,326
    • RETWEETS
    GregStaskowskimuseofhistorysmcareaveymickpharmbadjonniTJLaytondiekapteinskuimTurnThePaaiige
    ibid78msdanifernandezbazlyonsshwebby2__________OhhBradd
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she's gone to heaven. That way they're super-excited when she gets back from the gym.

    • 1,521
    • FAVS
    leeharperoswaldIAmBethanyHiGReisbergjahoolopyoliverisdumbTheHealthAltjbbbb21PaigeNicole98
    • 1,664
    • RETWEETS
    stuartpologejbbbb21Dustin10038577andygatorrmellamobobscarlykensjeaglebenicus_rex
    iamjeffsloanseagullski__stockejockJaySaysStuffArroialakeanagirlVodkaShorebird5haelHrBrybennybootDeanB15YourDeadbeatDadUpturnedBathtubnavesssaCrudeUntimely
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    Not saying I went to the roughest high school, but I was voted Most Likely to Shut the Fuck Up White Boy You Ain't Shit Fuck You

    • 1,195
    • FAVS
    Tmoney68iwearaonesiethirtyonejkefevansnkalxSTRANGETlMESHeyNikki1nsdrews
    • 776
    • RETWEETS
    MichaelaaandO_OCarolMaeWYnotajarTipfanyHeyNikki1MPAVictoriaNerdyWonkaperchicoree
    TheWadestdanjan13BillFienbergdsmitty_62VodkaShorebirdu_jellicent
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    It's gonna be a sad day when Twitter finds a way to delete spam accounts and we realize there are only twelve of us on here.

    • 1,112
    • FAVS
    _prettythuggaLafWhenLifeSuxjust_nossrachpagelheatlebjornJaySusHChrist_jennjenn_MaridithJoy
    • 846
    • RETWEETS
    LafWhenLifeSuxLeah_1133joe11471linda_rinnerRHWOOBsandyIAMNedinSSourblondieFknVancouver
    INeed_AnAdultLollyVpColt_SeethersDudeImShawn
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    I'll tell you what a woman wants. She wants you to drag her to the bedroom, toss her down, and do the dishes while she takes a fucking nap.

    • 1,103
    • FAVS
    Tmoney68CookieVangelistlimegreenstarzsaffyelleshreen66MoreUtterPiffleDaisyTurnipJarrrryBaby
    • 786
    • RETWEETS
    andrewmomentum1limegreenstarzThatcher007shreen66MoreUtterPiffledungeekinHelio_SphericalASH_Smyth
    ArroiaSternoShotseliserose5MyFairCharityWhosTheresa
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    It's only a matter of time before we see senseless shootings in America too.

    • 881
    • FAVS
    fuadvientogreen_mickMills2301larrydbarberchloemcgearboxyoalemudundlejuicectrlvideos
    • 739
    • RETWEETS
    fuadvientoanimaxylarrydbarbermrmrcolemanipunchkids4funjulialagoutte_myraggedymandonvseta
    TimHaines
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    I'm finally ready to tell my parents they're gay.

    • 1,078
    • FAVS
    newfiftytusaubin34torontocampArtiTweetDumpSpeedyigeetherealnotminNamelessEnemybleachedfaun
    • 486
    • RETWEETS
    MarrrrryyyyNot_GilgameshNamelessEnemytouhoumouRollingSwitchadnqtsharkfucker96gegtik
    nicfit75BillArrundaleBuddyAckerStexcyjoelebean
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    DOROTHY: And you, Scarecrow, well I'll miss you most of all.
    (Tin Man turns to Lion)
    TIN MAN: What the fuck was that shit?

    • 895
    • FAVS
    rachelf858caruso_angieiwearaonesieGreeblehausobligatemeLaBelleMaemassarge1squibling
    • 487
    • RETWEETS
    LegalDinosaurLaBelleMaeshayf_WuYorkYankeesYolandaRichard7Doom_Jedibitterlittlemaneliserose5
    13spencerDoom_JediDanKCharnley
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    Killer prank idea. Cut your finger off, then barely re-attach it. Tell someone to pull it. It comes off. They scream. Optional: Still fart.

    • 905
    • FAVS
    MomCantSingJaySusHChrist_jennjennbrianwistiJDoody523Charwat83Habbibtiprontopup
    • 424
    • RETWEETS
    JoAnnReeseJDoody523HabbibtiVicFuturedicklasso99Tmoney68Ashley_AlaskaHopperLubber
    Scigglezflashemberclaire_mudietheedgeofchris__
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    I do this sex move where I step on a Lego and crumble to the floor like a man shot at Normandy.

    • 884
    • FAVS
    Tmoney68iwearaonesieEle_Mental_1cpac500fullblowndaveAshley_Alaskarunswscissors21DameDeLesChats
    • 415
    • RETWEETS
    TheLawlessGamecpac500Ashley_AlaskaBlonde4DayzPsychicStonerLousyBastardterriucrStu_Monster
    SSDatedkamiekaymee__IsaacKozell
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    If you mix LSD with Advil your headache rides away on a dragon.

    • 744
    • FAVS
    Tmoney68loriellleiwearaonesiecpac500DanKCharnleyfullblowndaveSkullfuckTAshley_Alaska
    • 486
    • RETWEETS
    NanitaPalenciaSkullfuckTAshley_AlaskaMILFDianeFlowerChild037ladyfiredancerRealShaughnBarryBeau
    BarryBeau_InsanelyNormal__adamshermanesqScigglez__________
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    Not to get all hipster on you, but I've been a Benedict Cumberbatch fan since 'Close Encounters'. pic.twitter.com/SCMsWMrKNC

    • 500
    • FAVS
    EmilyQualiaTmoney68benicus_rexloriellletimdevilleJJ_PollardJeffreyPresserKyMiller
    • 474
    • RETWEETS
    Favstar500FavsleonardselcKyMillerChris_ClemalsoMikeRunwayDanjoel_rousseauTeaHCLatte
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    Sing like no one is listening. Dance like no one is watching. Tweet like there's a complete asshole in 7A.

    • 676
    • FAVS
    Tmoney68iwearaonesieGreeblehausshayf_Whoopdeedoo22DanKCharnleygarethseltzerthegayfarmerguy__
    • 295
    • RETWEETS
    eliserose5MikhaylaJessiemollyrunyonbookwmTamaraTattlesmara_fullerrealitytvnotDickBiggins
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    We can't be friends if you don't at least occasionally try to move things with your mind, just to check.

    • 571
    • FAVS
    MadisonDDuPreeAndreaa_EdwardsTmoney68cakehat_ajfm__max_rbmcsangsawbunniesWCGeek
    • 378
    • RETWEETS
    zayumbaexoxoPetrraxonlygavassieryo_itsmary_ajfm__cookiesncrema__kaTERRRIFICAknightnotaking
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    My wife is doing this elaborate four-year prank where she leaves me and starts another family in Ohio and looks extremely happy on Facebook.

    • 684
    • FAVS
    BaBaKiGuFaaMarioDigitalMeMadAxessexypitabreadralph0worldyehosafatTGIThongsnotweetmichelle
    • 236
    • RETWEETS
    khaaledkamalBaBaKiGuFaaolhpickering_NiZSohiospudChanelTat_Abdellsalam_kidletti
    flashember
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    Just so we're clear, the day Twitter folds we're moving this entire fucking thing to the Nutella product review thread at Amazon.

    • 618
    • FAVS
    Tmoney68sling_wordsbenicus_rexmomofguppiesCain3707TheGrinningImpvnarvasadaniel_frijoles
    • 277
    • RETWEETS
    lorielllevnarvasaBLAZE_FOLEYUeckerGarrettheatlebjornSaveItForFestAlannaCocaiwearaonesie
    isaaaa
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    Kanye West is still mad about that tornado dropping my house on Kanye East.

    • 506
    • FAVS
    Tmoney68benicus_rexiwearaonesiebooyahchadlyJamieGreenleesninjamoose101DanKCharnleyAliffArshad
    • 388
    • RETWEETS
    CanadianMclovinTh3ReaLBaLakaymonicasjungleGarrattBradmuddymudskipperaaronmg412War_Bacondieegorod
    Doom_Jedi
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    Allowing gays to declare bankruptcy has ruined the sanctity of my own bankruptcy.

    • 533
    • FAVS
    RasalghTmoney68botandyJeanieMacIsaaca_marr96thelittlephraseplfrederickbrooksbromley
    • 336
    • RETWEETS
    brooksbromleyMarkOnThePlanetCPTWonderfuckperhapssomedayhusemanlawBobFooleryEricZornrivalgarywtb
    1800Randy
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    Had no idea why my salad was $175, 'til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.

    • 492
    • FAVS
    Tmoney68benicus_rexiwearaonesieDanKCharnleykevincurleyjrvxlkbullryderdanBrandonFord5
    • 362
    • RETWEETS
    BrandonFord5mpredliStellaMChenSnarkySabskathybotteasCanadianMclovinleashaletteSuzzKalu
    stephjustcant
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    MISSED CONNECTIONS: You on rooftop in Gotham, dressed as bat. Me in muscle vest, chastity belt on mouth, punching you in face. Brunch?

    • 332
    • FAVS
    Tmoney68richerdpicturesLizHackettplathian9Whoopdeedoo22DanKCharnleyTheWadestvxlk
    • 479
    • RETWEETS
    plathian9ScigglezBigRedKrautBeautifulVixen1__nononowaityeah__clayureKalel0119flyingPOTUS
@VaguelyFunnyDan

@VaguelyFunnyDan

Georgian, vegan, half-Jewish writer/producer. Making the soon to be Oscar winning Ernest reboot. Account is 18+. No 24-28. 29-40 is OK. No 41-50. 51+ is fine.