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I hit a deer last night. It died instantly. I feel awful, but when I'm jogging I'm in my own world.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she's gone to heaven. That way they're super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
It's gonna be a sad day when Twitter finds a way to delete spam accounts and we realize there are only twelve of us on here.
Not saying I went to the roughest high school, but I was voted Most Likely to Shut the Fuck Up White Boy You Ain't Shit Fuck You
I'll tell you what a woman wants. She wants you to drag her to the bedroom, toss her down, and do the dishes while she takes a fucking nap.
I'm finally ready to tell my parents they're gay.
It's only a matter of time before we see senseless shootings in America too.
Killer prank idea. Cut your finger off, then barely re-attach it. Tell someone to pull it. It comes off. They scream. Optional: Still fart.
DOROTHY: And you, Scarecrow, well I'll miss you most of all.
(Tin Man turns to Lion)
TIN MAN: What the fuck was that shit?
Whole Foods Cashier: "Would you like to make a donation?"
Me: "No, just the 8 items for $172, thanks"
I do this sex move where I step on a Lego and crumble to the floor like a man shot at Normandy.
If you mix LSD with Advil your headache rides away on a dragon.
We can't be friends if you don't at least occasionally try to move things with your mind, just to check.
Sing like no one is listening. Dance like no one is watching. Tweet like there's a complete asshole in 7A.
My wife is doing this elaborate four-year prank where she leaves me and starts another family in Ohio and looks extremely happy on Facebook.
Just so we're clear, the day Twitter folds we're moving this entire fucking thing to the Nutella product review thread at Amazon.
Kanye West is still mad about that tornado dropping my house on Kanye East.
Allowing gays to declare bankruptcy has ruined the sanctity of my own bankruptcy.
Georgian, vegan, half-Jewish writer/producer. Making the soon to be Oscar winning Ernest reboot. Account is 18+. No 24-28. 29-40 is OK. No 41-50. 51+ is fine.
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