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  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she's gone to heaven. That way they're super-excited when she gets back from the gym.

    • 1,388
    • FAVS
    BarryBeauEndocarditisguyillTortugatasha__xojjax44Mommy_FabSmartticismsScigglez
    • 1,646
    • RETWEETS
    BarryBeauEndocarditisguyjjax44Mommy_FabScigglezCtotheASSKatalina_Kate_Gowitty
    JaySaysStuffArroialakeanagirldjdavemichaels5haelHrBrybennybootDeanB15YourDeadbeatDadActingAnEejitnavesssaCrudeUntimely
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    I hit a deer last night. It died instantly. I feel awful, but when I'm jogging I'm in my own world.

    • 1,385
    • FAVS
    PaperWashmonicasjungleillTortugaJohnnySpuhMommy_FabSmartticismsScigglezzurilian
    • 715
    • RETWEETS
    TiggumWallsCtotheASSjimandrewsmusicbabybelleeCPHaiCave_MagicHipsterTrudybutt_sword
    mydanimariebazlyonsshwebby2__________OhhBradd
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    Not saying I went to the roughest high school, but I was voted Most Likely to Shut the Fuck Up White Boy You Ain't Shit Fuck You

    • 1,058
    • FAVS
    Th3ReaLBaLakaymonicasjungleillTortugajjax44JohnnySpuhMommy_FabSmartticismsScigglez
    • 733
    • RETWEETS
    monicasjunglejjax44Mommy_FabSmartticismsjimandrewsmusicLonesomeApeTaylorMadeLifeMzPretty_Me
    danjan13BillFienbergdsmitty_62djdavemichaelsu_jellicent
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    It's gonna be a sad day when Twitter finds a way to delete spam accounts and we realize there are only twelve of us on here.

    • 982
    • FAVS
    rebeccatoday3Th3ReaLBaLakaybeaumontsteve1rofrannymonicasjunglejjax44JohnnySpuhJukeJointJesse
    • 800
    • RETWEETS
    rofrannymonicasjungleJukeJointJesseMommy_FabSmartticismsBLic3308HoboJanitorBitchliissaa
    INeed_AnAdultLollyVpColt_SeethersDudeImShawn
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    I'll tell you what a woman wants. She wants you to drag her to the bedroom, toss her down, and do the dishes while she takes a fucking nap.

    • 1,007
    • FAVS
    ThatGingyBarryBeauMsMurfieJessG828vladchocTheSplattedOneajinairPlayframe
    • 737
    • RETWEETS
    JessG828BarryBeauCuriouslyKate16RHCPgirllhepkatvsandyjreeseaurelielbdoribeth29
    ArroiaSternoShotseliserose5MyFairCharityWhosTheresa
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    I'm finally ready to tell my parents they're gay.

    • 939
    • FAVS
    BarryBeauPlasmaStrikerRusty_GunzSarah_RicardanyamcloughlinJohnnySpuhginnyrussethatgirlCosta
    • 433
    • RETWEETS
    Rusty_GunzMikiefitzJohnnySpuhjennithhNeuronicismMommy_FabSmokinHotStonercheckcheckhey
    BillArrundaleBuddyAckerStexcyjoelebean
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    Killer prank idea. Cut your finger off, then barely re-attach it. Tell someone to pull it. It comes off. They scream. Optional: Still fart.

    • 854
    • FAVS
    BarryBeaumonicasjungleflippyfeetjjax44eljefetacomaSPmilkshakeBillDavies14shan_sorensen
    • 412
    • RETWEETS
    lukejcolejjax44eljefetacomaBillDavies14minx1015ChelswhereAustinFlanaryBoleyngirly
    Scigglezflashemberclaire_mudietheedgeofchris
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    I do this sex move where I step on a Lego and crumble to the floor like a man shot at Normandy.

    • 842
    • FAVS
    BarryBeauTh3ReaLBaLakaymonicasjungleeljefetacomaEenfidelally2272KenzSchmidtalexjmann
    • 396
    • RETWEETS
    monicasjungleeljefetacomaCptAwesome29AustinFlanaryGoodAndrewTimeHome_HalfwaySternoShotsIndigoAxe
    SSDatedkamiekaymeeIsaacKozell
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    If you mix LSD with Advil your headache rides away on a dragon.

    • 724
    • FAVS
    Half_QuixoticLazerPunchannssisterBarryBeaumonicasjungleSarah_Ricardi_am_adam_kReeCount
    • 483
    • RETWEETS
    RealShaughnBarryBeauSarah_RicardJewshhhReeCountamnxietyeugeneonfootmaddystruggles
    BarryBeau_InsanelyNormal__adamshermanesqScigglez__________
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    Sing like no one is listening. Dance like no one is watching. Tweet like there's a complete asshole in 7A.

    • 663
    • FAVS
    monicasjungleMommy_Fabmattkinkadeleashalettedanjan13SternoShotsflashemberkatieeha
    • 294
    • RETWEETS
    MikhaylaJessieYour_Fav_GingerbookwmTamaraTattlesmara_fullerrealitytvnotDickBigginsthehowler13
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    Kanye West is still mad about that tornado dropping my house on Kanye East.

    • 494
    • FAVS
    Th3ReaLBaLakaymonicasjungleJohnLyonTweetsMommy_FabScigglezCtotheASSepunzymissingblakes
    • 387
    • RETWEETS
    Th3ReaLBaLakaymonicasjungleGarrattBradmuddymudskipperaaronmg412War_BacondieegorodTheGrimKing
    Doom_Jedi
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    Had no idea why my salad was $175, 'til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.

    • 469
    • FAVS
    monicasjungleMommy_FabScigglezCtotheASSmissingblakesshrlyujstBigRim79leashalette
    • 356
    • RETWEETS
    leashaletteSuzzKaluPissAndryMariusStefi247PaulOleyourrykAdeptNyuckaPirate_TwinkieJ_OHHHHH
    OpenStephanie
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    MISSED CONNECTIONS: You on rooftop in Gotham, dressed as bat. Me in muscle vest, chastity belt on mouth, punching you in face. Brunch?

    • 320
    • FAVS
    Mommy_FabScigglezleashaletteBrookeTuzilExtremelyDivasfreeze6MouthOfSassHome_Halfway
    • 478
    • RETWEETS
    ScigglezBigRedKrautBeautifulVixen1nononowaityeah__clayureKalel0119flyingPOTUSGreenEyedJedi
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    Allowing gays to declare bankruptcy has ruined the sanctity of my own bankruptcy.

    • 461
    • FAVS
    JohnLyonTweetsJohnnySpuhScigglezCtotheASSleashalettedanjan13SternoShotsflashember
    • 315
    • RETWEETS
    JamesBarrettssunset_protadpoleno3armyVet1972beer_coreyBigRedKrautscott_towelqqnqui
    1800Randy
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    My wife is doing this elaborate four-year prank where she leaves me and starts another family in Ohio and looks extremely happy on Facebook.

    • 544
    • FAVS
    rebeccatoday3monicasjungleChrisWilcox82DSLikesItmaryjanebrennanFaceyspaceRandiLawsonJaysonBoldon
    • 200
    • RETWEETS
    maryjanebrennanJaysonBoldonJohnLyonTweetsJReapeWhatevaConcMillwallant____devonshire123Missing1nActi0n
    flashember
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    "We have visual contact with London?"
    "Yes, Sir"
    "And France?"
    "Confirmed, General"
    "Well then Private, where the hell are the underpants?!"

    • 363
    • FAVS
    monicasjungleMommy_FabScigglezmattkinkademissingblakesleashaletteMonkeyBall11bluesix36
    • 345
    • RETWEETS
    SenseiNativaC_Dangerdanjan13missbunnie22MBBeachRatMarkAMacalusoMars_Bar_Mr_Kapowski
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    If you haven't read the unbelievable eulogy delivered by little Noah Pozner's mother, I have attached it. pic.twitter.com/p2mIOuLS

    • 310
    • FAVS
    monicasjungleMommy_FabsmerkabewlExtremelyDivascorpiusryan21Playing_DadStashTheTashOhhScarlet23______
    • 377
    • RETWEETS
    lisaandtotscarlykenBigRedKrautKarlaMcLean11renees_echoskenken_squirrelcatrivellikmr68
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    In fairness, the #NRA did call for putting corduroy pants on all deranged people so we'll hear the "vwip vwip vwip" as they approach.

    • 292
    • FAVS
    Mommy_FabScigglezCtotheASSmissingblakesleashalettedanjan13SternoShotsPissAndry
    • 390
    • RETWEETS
    SternoShotsShellyRaePghExtremelyDivamissbunnie22MBBeachRatBigRedKrautNoPantyClausFavstar250
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    I think the Wayans are wrong about the world ending this year.

    • 446
    • FAVS
    JohnLyonTweetsScigglezmissingblakesthefostererDarthXavierladyfiletSickayduhWalterLacy
    • 179
    • RETWEETS
    SickayduhAnschlitzleashaletteSacamanoBExtremelyDivaMBBeachRatBigRedKrautHoneyBaaBaa
    SacamanoB
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    BREAKING NEWS: Geologists locate mountain high enough. Valley low enough still elusive.

    • 357
    • FAVS
    BarryBeauJohnLyonTweetsSezzamazingkatygirldreaminkaykaymourMommy_Fabmissingblakesdanjan13
    • 248
    • RETWEETS
    kaykaymourMBBeachRatorlasaysthingschoccybizzlecarson9007ZingingCutieFelicityMcShitMyHairyLife______
    bazlyonsGirltoMom
@VaguelyFunnyDan

@VaguelyFunnyDan

Georgian, vegan, wildly sensual, half-Jewish writer/producer schmuck repped by APA/Elements. Account is 18+. No 24-28. 29-40 is OK. No 41-50. 51+ is fine.