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When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she's gone to heaven. That way they're super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
I hit a deer last night. It died instantly. I feel awful, but when I'm jogging I'm in my own world.
Not saying I went to the roughest high school, but I was voted Most Likely to Shut the Fuck Up White Boy You Ain't Shit Fuck You
I'll tell you what a woman wants. She wants you to drag her to the bedroom, toss her down, and do the dishes while she takes a fucking nap.
It's gonna be a sad day when Twitter finds a way to delete spam accounts and we realize there are only twelve of us on here.
I do this sex move where I step on a Lego and crumble to the floor like a man shot at Normandy.
I'm finally ready to tell my parents they're gay.
If you mix LSD with Advil your headache rides away on a dragon.
Killer prank idea. Cut your finger off, then barely re-attach it. Tell someone to pull it. It comes off. They scream. Optional: Still fart.
Kanye West is still mad about that tornado dropping my house on Kanye East.
Sing like no one is listening. Dance like no one is watching. Tweet like there's a complete asshole in 7A.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, 'til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
MISSED CONNECTIONS: You on rooftop in Gotham, dressed as bat. Me in muscle vest, chastity belt on mouth, punching you in face. Brunch?
Allowing gays to declare bankruptcy has ruined the sanctity of my own bankruptcy.
My wife is doing this elaborate four-year prank where she leaves me and starts another family in Ohio and looks extremely happy on Facebook.
"We have visual contact with London?"
"Well then Private, where the hell are the underpants?!"
I think the Wayans are wrong about the world ending this year.
BREAKING NEWS: Geologists locate mountain high enough. Valley low enough still elusive.
Georgian, vegan half-Jew. Account is 18+. No 24-28. 29-40 is OK. No 41-49. 50+ is fine. I'm making the new Ernest movie so don't tell me about broken dreams.