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I hit a deer last night. It died instantly. I feel awful, but when I'm jogging I'm in my own world.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she's gone to heaven. That way they're super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Not saying I went to the roughest high school, but I was voted Most Likely to Shut the Fuck Up White Boy You Ain't Shit Fuck You
It's gonna be a sad day when Twitter finds a way to delete spam accounts and we realize there are only twelve of us on here.
I'll tell you what a woman wants. She wants you to drag her to the bedroom, toss her down, and do the dishes while she takes a fucking nap.
I'm finally ready to tell my parents they're gay.
DOROTHY: And you, Scarecrow, well I'll miss you most of all.
(Tin Man turns to Lion)
TIN MAN: What the fuck was that shit?
Killer prank idea. Cut your finger off, then barely re-attach it. Tell someone to pull it. It comes off. They scream. Optional: Still fart.
I do this sex move where I step on a Lego and crumble to the floor like a man shot at Normandy.
If you mix LSD with Advil your headache rides away on a dragon.
Sing like no one is listening. Dance like no one is watching. Tweet like there's a complete asshole in 7A.
Kanye West is still mad about that tornado dropping my house on Kanye East.
Just so we're clear, the day Twitter folds we're moving this entire fucking thing to the Nutella product review thread at Amazon.
My wife is doing this elaborate four-year prank where she leaves me and starts another family in Ohio and looks extremely happy on Facebook.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, 'til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
We can't be friends if you don't at least occasionally try to move things with your mind, just to check.
MISSED CONNECTIONS: You on rooftop in Gotham, dressed as bat. Me in muscle vest, chastity belt on mouth, punching you in face. Brunch?
Allowing gays to declare bankruptcy has ruined the sanctity of my own bankruptcy.
BREAKING: Rydell High School Senior quarantined due to chills. "They're multiplying," the CDC explained. "And he's losing control."
Georgian, vegan, half-Jewish writer/producer. Making the soon to be Oscar winning Ernest reboot. Account is 18+. No 24-28. 29-40 is OK. No 41-50. 51+ is fine.