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Sorry me letting my son wear a dress makes you uncomfortable. See I'm trying this crazy thing where I have his back no matter what, forever.
Just so we're clear, the day Twitter folds we're moving this entire fucking thing to the Nutella product review thread at Amazon.
I hit a deer last night. It died instantly. I feel awful, but when I'm jogging I'm in my own world.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she's gone to heaven. That way they're super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
It's gonna be a sad day when Twitter finds a way to delete spam accounts and we realize there are only twelve of us on here.
Not saying I went to the roughest high school, but I was voted Most Likely to Shut the Fuck Up White Boy You Ain't Shit Fuck You
I'll tell you what a woman wants. She wants you to drag her to the bedroom, toss her down, and do the dishes while she takes a fucking nap.
I'm finally ready to tell my parents they're gay.
It's only a matter of time before we see senseless shootings in America too.
Killer prank idea. Cut your finger off, then barely re-attach it. Tell someone to pull it. It comes off. They scream. Optional: Still fart.
DOROTHY: And you, Scarecrow, well I'll miss you most of all.
(Tin Man turns to Lion)
TIN MAN: What the fuck was that shit?
We can't be friends if you don't at least occasionally try to move things with your mind, just to check.
Whole Foods Cashier: "Would you like to make a donation?"
Me: "No, just the 8 items for $172, thanks"
If you mix LSD with Advil your headache rides away on a dragon.
I do this sex move where I step on a Lego and crumble to the floor like a man shot at Normandy.
My wife is doing this elaborate four-year prank where she leaves me and starts another family in Ohio and looks extremely happy on Facebook.
Georgian, vegan, half-Jew writer/producer of SON OF ERNEST & Funny or Die's Greg & Charmaine. Account is 18+. No 24-28. 29-40 is OK. No 41-50. 51+ is fine.
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