I just saw a grown man wearing pink crocs. And somehow, my boner died.

Friday night. Watching my bros play Borderlands 2, chilling in my jammies and a cape. Do I scream awesome? I think so.

Gummy sharks taste blue. Fuck you if you don't understand.

Strutting around work with a flareon hat, my little pony keychain, and a give 'em hell attitude.

Just helped my niece put a puzzle together. Never loved a four year old before, but that kid is awesome.

My hair is a mess after all this costume wearing bullshit.

My dad goes out of his way to waste time and gas. 5 min trip to Walmart turned into a half 15 cruise in the burbs to get halfway.

I wanna curl up in my lair for the rest of the day. #boredtailflick

Chacha doesn't wanna answer my questions. I give up. New story idea.

How did I turn out to be the nerdy one in the family? I spend my days off playing games, reading comics, & voluntarily researching

Hobbits eat like 15 meals a day. Big, nutritious meals. How are they not fat or well developed or.. They're just short and hairy.

I remember my mom's new number perfectly, yet I couldn't remember my dad's number that he had for about 10 years. Whoops.

The closest I wanna get to love is that shaky, exhausted feeling after really good sex.

My parents think my obsession with Jared is amusing. They don't take my love for him seriously.

@rtsebastian yours was definitely my favorite. I almost peed myself laughing

The best part of shark week: bonding with my friends over megalodon jokes

@rtsebastian you're my favorite person right now. That was beautiful

Imagine riding a megalodon, though. #SharkWeek

I don't mean to alarm you, but.. I'm not wearing black today. Unless you count my sweater that I'll take off when I get to work.

Novena and I are rooting for two feet of snow