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The day I start laughing at jokes instead of pointing out inaccuracies, I will become another person altogether.
how to be a better person: wait until you have arrived at the last moment of your life, whisper "i wish i had been a better person"
I'm Breyer! RT @colindickey: Which Supreme Court justice are you? Take the quiz. (I got Elena Kagan) http://abovethelaw.com/2013/05/which-supreme-court-justice-are-you-a-personality-quiz/ …
The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward pronouncing GIF with a hard "G."
Video killed the radio star. Video was indicted by a grand jury. Video's been on trial for 3 months. Video's hoping to avoid death penalty.
Not to read into anything, but it's almost like Don Draper has some unresolved issues stemming from childhood.
No no you're right, you should say obscene things to me, I smiled at you like a human being that is my fault it is 100% on me
LIBRARY OF CONGRESS would be a good name for a porn shop.
I just wish some of you people realized how dangerous a place the internet can be for a white man’s feelings.
movie idea: a haunted necktie that turns you into your dad
Let me spoil the last episode of Game of Thrones for you:
"Your mother showed me some of your landscapes and animal paintings, and I thought they were really great." – President Clinton
The universe isn't conspiring against you. The universe isn't rooting for you. The universe really, truly couldn't care less about you.
Uncle of Boston bombers: "What I think was behind it. BEING LOSERS."
Things we'll do to keep people safe: Lock down an entire city for hours
Things we won't do: A 5 min background check before you buy a gun
BREAKING: Racists scramble to figure out what Chechens even are.
Like many writers, I have warm up rituals. Before I begin I pour a fresh cup of coffee, open a window and try to read the entire Internet.
When first I appear I seem delirious, but when explained I'm nothing serious.