Michael Jackson died white. Ever wonder just exactly when he & George Hamilton passed each other on the color spectrum flow chart?

Gerard Depardieu needs a box of Depends.

If you like pina coladas and gettin' caught in the rain, maybe you should think long and hard about quitting altogether.

When we raise the debt ceiling, can we get rid of the popcorn and put in nice crown molding and some ceiling fans? It's been hot as hell.

@jannabug You know you have a drinking problem when you set your breath on fire to intimidate the bartender.

When Kirsty Alley comes off Weight Watchers, I don't wanna be a pork chop in L.A.

Betty Davis had Betty Davis eyes.

If I could interview O.J. Simpson, my first question would be: "O.J., what's the biggest lie you ever told?"

Barbara Walters interviewed Kate Middleton. Her first question: "Did Wiwee wiwee marwee you?"