Every woman should throw a party and invite only men she's slept with to see if the assholes can figure out the theme of the party.

Chanting "my vagina is awesome" to myself to keep my self-esteem up during this terrible moment of low self-esteem.

Well, MOM, the reason I don't wear my €1,500 retainer is coz it interferes with my €2,000 per hour blowjob skills.

I have a lot of draft tweets. I write something, look at it and think, "I'll tweet this later when I'm drunk and stupid".

I worry that my boyfriend is a solid candidate for homosexuality.

My cellulite issues are now more serious than my daddy issues. Life is a real fucking journey.

#YourFavWhiteGuy is my favorite white guy because: he probably cooks in an apron.

Guys, don't get a kitten unless you're thinking about ending your life sometime next week.

I should tweet anonymously. Every other day my boyfriend shouts at me for talking about his genitals & specfically, other men's genitals.

@silecta Thanks for letting me know what you're pooping. Good morning to you too, Silas.

Only idiots with a hard-on call after midnight. You let that motherfucker go to voicemail, ladies.

My ass is eating up my skirt. My apologies to passing traffic. Enjoy the view.

I'm unemployed and I'm going back to bed. Just because I can.

@nonsensible Here's a picture of a paper cup to make you feel better. Big love. http://t.co/3Hmdn4Q

My parents are nice. They change lightbulbs for me.

@kesangball And women who forget to put in tampons.

I can't tweet whilst menstruating. I need a week out to be a crazy ass bitch. It's hard being cool, breezy & hilarious all the time.

Being a heartless robot really worked for me. Hell, I didn't even get sad when one-night stands didn't make me breakfast in the morning.

I'm so sexy when I'm desperate.

I hope this CCTV bus camera captured the moment when I pulled that erotic full-frontal wedgie out. Otherwise there was no point in doing it.