I'm trying to judge her snore volume on whether or not to go for it.

I always use the self-checkout lane to avoid being embarrassed when my card is declined.

"Is it ok to drive home if I can't feel my face?" - @lizz362

Phil looks cute in his boxer briefs when he's begging to be let back in the house.

Actually, I'd prefer it if you DID stare at my boobs while talking to me. That's why I bought them.

I'm not saying there is a God, I'm not saying there isn't a God but I think we can all agree that boobs are in exactly the right place.

Hopefully one day a man will appreciate the fact I will never ask him to hold my hair or my hand while I'm vomiting.

Twitter is a great way to find out how world events affect the alter egos of people who never leave the house.

It's a "sacrifice a goat and make an offering to Satan to find my keys" kind of morning.

I'm sure childbirth sucks and all, but it can't be worse than stepping on a Lego.

Wearing an apron with nothing underneath to avoid cooking is as domesticated as I'll ever get.

It's cool to be funny because you can say really gross things that are actually true and everyone will think you're joking.

People that brag about their lives on facebook are like birds that happily chirp in the morning, in that I want to shoot them with a BB gun.

The voice she uses while brushing her teeth is the same voice she'll use while brushing her mouth with your dick.

Some people kiss ass for followers, or show their ass for followers. I'm just an asshole.

The first thing I take off when I walk into my house is my bra. Instant relief.

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful, hate me because I say shit like that.

Sorry I'm not your average girl next door.

If you want the girl next door, you should go next door.

"I'm a model" is the new "I'm unemployed, but I take really good bikini pictures whilst laying on some train tracks".

‘Pussy’ is an apt name for a vagina. After all, it’s small, furry, and will only give you time of day if you give it lots of attention.