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Paul Ryan looks like your friend's older brother who tried to get you drunk when you were 15 and gave you way too many compliments
I ate four little sponges for lunch. I don't care if the box says, morning star farms chik'n nuggets, I know what I had.
My mom wrote me a weird letter and called me a swan in it, I guess I used to be an ugly piece of shit
Not over how happy a jugalo family I saw yesterday was
I can turn something dumb I say into a joke faster than you can say, "that guy's only laughing because he thinks you'll sleep with him"
Fall, the season where guys trick me into thinking they're sexy, skilled carpenters, by wearing flannel and having beards
I picture myself as a member of ZZ Top to feel better about things, checkin out ladies, spinnin my guitar, singin suggestive shit
Nobody's mom is named Miranda or Tiffany
Saw a jugalo family today and they seemed like they really loved each other
Paul Ryan's that guy who def. won't even go half on Plan B when the condom breaks
Stop wasting your time in therapy when there are ex boyfriends, girlfriends and roommates dying to diagnose your personality disorder
Really drive your point home by going to work in weird clothes and no makeup, maybe some eye crust? The day after a sick day
"I really like that Moves Like Jagger song!" he says as I lie naked in his arms, panicing inside, wishing you could unfuck someone
for my birthday, I want everyone to send pictures of their balls to this guy who dumped me a month ago.
My self esteem is so low this week that I changed into cut off shorts and a sheer tshirt to answer the door for the pizza guy
I'm never more awkward, creepy, clingy and prone to blushing than when I'm trying to be a cool girl's friend
At what point can I tell this guy at the bar that he reminds me of my grandpa?
I'm not ashamed, I'm alive
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