"Burn, baby, burn." ~ hemorrhoids

Canadians get put in Twitter jail for a stick to the face.

My fortune cookie says I should start wearing a helmet?

Looks like you gotta have nice teeth to be famous. Guess these twisted forks are really holding me back.

You can get away with anything in the right dress.

They don't make them like they bruised too.

It's all about creating that false impression that people read your tweets.

My signature move is sending one in dry on dudes who sit on the chest of the orgy girl I'm banging.

Someday you'll love a person you don't follow yet.

My stripper name should have been Candy Crush.

Brent Seabrook + OT = #StanleyCup Final tied 2-2. Watch him end it for the @nhlblackhawks:  http://bit.ly/17oorOa 

Vegans are just people who slaughter innocent fruits and vegetables.

Three years later *steps out of the house*. "So is twitter still cool?."

Ok. I'm partially back into the online world as travelling to country towns with no internet. Another 9 hours and I'm home.

I'm meeting my biological father for the first time who's from godforsaken west coast state tomorrow.life is very weird friends.

@verifieddrunk Wow! That's your optimistic side shining though! I still struggle with bitterness after finding that I've woken up every day.

Followers are like the studio audience that won't obey the "applause" sign.

My boyfriend kind of looks like Edward Snowden when he puts on his glasses, and now I want him to get all NS in my A.

That just would've been too fucking easy. I don't do easy!

I got a puppy because I enjoy stepping in puddles of piss in my socks.