If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.

If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that's practically the same thing.

Finally nailed my girlfriend and her twin last night You know how I tell them apart? Her brother has a mustache.

Just saw my parents having sex. That's the last time I go onto that website.

I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,

OK, I think I got it now....Those who can...tweet. Those who wanna be, retweet. Those who can't, Facebook.

Let's play breathalyzer! You blow me as hard as you can, and I'll tell you how drunk you are.

If God wanted to impress me with his 'miracles' he would've impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.

Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana

Maybe money can't buy happiness, but poverty can't buy SHIT.

If she's pretty and single she's a fucking psycho.

God invented women and the next day he invented vodka cause he was like holy fuck, sorry bro.

If you would just give me one more chance I promise to fuck that one up too.

I spend a large portion of every day looking the the clock and thinking you've got to be fucking kidding me.

Some days I wish my dad would have just sprayed me all over moms face.

The man who gets up and goes to work every day to earn minimum wage impresses me more than any millionaire ever will.

I'm not saying she was stupid, but I asked her how to spell Mississippi and she said 'the river or the state?'

Unfollow me once? Shame on you. Unfollow me twice? Shame on me. Unfollow me three times...what in the fuck is your problem?

It takes 43 muscles to frown and 72 muscles to say go fuck yourself... well worth the extra effort.

My door is always open if you ever want to talk about how you can get the fuck out of my office.