If you have a problem with gays in the military I suggest you grow some balls and take their place.

Hey white girls that run into other white girls they know in public CALM THE FUCK DOWN

Porn is bullshit. How do they have sex without the fitted sheet popping off?

Every Taylor Swift song sounds like a long drawn out Facebook status

How do Amish guys know if its a romantic candlelit dinner or just regular dinner?

When she texts me one word answers I think:

1. Is she mad at me
2. Is she busy
3. OMG ARE HER HANDS FULL OF DICK :(

Guys that only retweet girls thinking it will get them laid are the same ones that think the stripper really likes them

If a gay guy doesn't write a book called "Fifty Shades of Haaaaaaaayyyy" I'll be disappointed

When a guy tries to talk to me while at a urinal I instantly slide over and start pissing in his urinal too. See how friendly he really is

I'm like the fat girl you used to fuck in high school. You will star my tweets but won't tell anyone about me. Well guess what, I'm pregnant

To show a girl I'm not a psycho I take pics of me holding a pillow over her face while she sleeps to show what I could've done. But I'm nice

Never tell a joke about a midget. They can come back to bite you on the ass

My son: do kids that get bullied go to college?

Me: no they go to the police academy

Michael J Fox and Muhammad Ali text convo:

MJF: smh
MA:smh
MJF: smh
MA: smh
MJF:smh
MA:smh

My son got 5 out of 10 stars on a test and when I asked him why he scored so low he said "it's more stars then u get online".

What a dick

Try and use the slip and slide without getting it wet first and then you'll understand why foreplay is important

Hey guys, if she has to guess how you feel about her then you suck

If intercourse feels anything like when I put a q-tip in my ear I envy you ladies

My signature move is being able to find my clothes after sex even with mace in my eyes

Home is where the heart is but her arms legs and head are in my trunk