Ummmmm, is this churro organic?

Each time a kid types "amirite" instead of "am I right" they should have to watch their parents fuck.

Maybe all the happy people in the world just forgot about the Diva scene in the Fifth Element.

Invented a cleanse yesterday where you eat anything you want and then you cry and nothing changes.

Don't start a relationship with someone from twitter and expect it to last longer than 140 hours.

My 10th favorite sex position is called "If my dad didn't abandon my family when I was a kid I wouldn't be doing this with you, you idiot."

I wish my phone had a different notification for, "You got a text, but not from who you want."

Choose a job you love and you'll never work a day in your life, because you'll never get that job.

"Newt Gingrich" sounds like the name of a villain that JK Rowling made up.

"I HATE YOU WALL!" sounds just like "I HATE YOU ALL!" You have to be careful to be very wall specific or people will think you're crazy.

Maybe you have a double chin because your first chin couldn't afford rent by itself on your fat fucking face.

The saddest thing is Paula Deen was about to open a new chain of grocery stores called Hole Foods that only sells donuts.

Quitting the internet makes heroin look like a fucking joke.

Watching white, over-privileged men talk about being pro-life makes my vagina angry.

This homeless dude is fighting with an imaginary person. I'm helping out by yelling "Finish him!" in my best Mortal Kombat voice.

If I were Adrien Brody's girlfriend, that nose would be penetrating every one of my orifices at least 700,000 times daily.

If you're in any way marginalized by society, make that the platform for most of your jokes! I would but I'm emotional 'cuz PMS and in-laws!

The only dating advice I can give is to constantly ask if everything is ok between you two. Never stop. Get angry a lot. Then quiet.

"You shall have no other gods before me. Heh, I'm just playing, dawg. Do whatever you want." -cool God

Sex with me is "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Gross."