"He sure seems like a nice young man" is Grandma-speak for "I'd totally hit that."

You guys have no idea how much I rip off your jokes in real life. My coworkers think I'm like the funniest person alive.

When I'm bored I like to put on my red polo shirt and khakis, then storm into the nearest Target and quit.

I stopped believing for a little bit today.

Journey is gonna be so pissed when they find out.

What kind of idiot takes a cab from West Philadelphia to Bel Air?

Real world: if you can't say something nice, don't say anything.

Twitter: if you can't say something nice, it damn well better be funny.

I'll stop counting my followers when the world gives me another method of instant, guilt-free validation for my crazy.

Apparently 4 out of 5 doctors recommend getting at least eight hours of sleep per night. The 5th doctor is the one I'd rather hang out with.

"I've been smoking plot and doing lines of dialogue all day... How do you THINK I'm doing?" - My struggling artist persona

Stealing a tweet and posting it on Facebook is like taking steroids at the Special Olympics.

You know what tastes better than donuts?

Not having a fat ass.

I love my husband, but let's get real for a sec. He has the alcohol tolerance of a 14-year-old Mormon girl.

Sometimes I want to be offended by a tweet, but then I realize that we white people lost our taking offense privileges in the 70's.

The 1980s taught us a valuable lesson. If a girl fucks you over, just turn her phone number into a song. Then sit back, laugh and do blow.

Fun fact: My husband thinks it's funny to come home early and scare me in the shower, and I think it's funny to lock him out of the house.

Watched Black Swan last night w/my mom. Capital idea! Nothing says mother/daughter bonding like lesbian soft core.

I've got a theory that Twitter will one day go down in history as the vehicle used by angry housewives to take over the world.

"Boats n Hoes!!!" - Me, 3.5 seconds before getting kicked out of the Yacht Club's Unwed Mothers Benefit

Someone in IT at my hospital just accidentally sent email to every user in the network. It wasn't work related. This day just got awesome.

Occupy Wall street seems like a success. Unless you're watching Fox News. Then it was a Neo-Nazi Rape-a-thon while tripping balls.