Whoa! Let me stop you there... what the fuck does 'layman's terms' mean?

I never understood why so many great artists were named after ninja turtles?

I have a soft spot for dick. Well, technically I have three.

That better be my fucking drug dealer at my door and not opportunity knocking.

I spend far too much time thinking about dinosaurs for someone who isn't retarded.

Infections are the yeast of my worries.

If my dying plant is any indication, I probably don't water my dog enough...


Oh fuck, where's my kid?

Children are like the homeless; I like touching them, but wouldn't want one inside of me.

My boyfriend seems to have a better grip on reality than I do and he doesn't even exist.

I took a picture of my boyfriend's erection because it will last longer.

I don't care if you're a dog person or a cat person, I generally don't date anyone with a tail.

My favorite part about any date is figuring out which one of us is going to be portrayed as the 'bad guy' on Dateline.

Don't sweat it World economy, there's always money in the banana stand.

Nothing challenges your self-control like a resealable bag of candy.


Also, cocaine.


But, mostly cocaine.

The worst part about all the radiation in Japan is that the newest group of superheroes will be asian...

I think about shutting down my twitter account from time to time. Then I remember the less fortunate...


And how I need to mock them.

Ever wonder what happens when Sean Connery wants a chick to sit on his face?

I nicknamed my legs 'options' because I like to keep them open.

I'm hoping that when he says that he wants to keep things 'casual' he's referring to our wedding attire.

There's nothing wrong with being delusional... It's keeping me fucking awesome.