Dear Self esteem: why are you all kinds of terrible?

Saying you're Ass Man or a Boob Man doesn't seem to freak girls out as much as saying your a Kidney Man or Eye Man. #doublestandards

I think the expression "two birds with one stone" should evolve for our generation to "all pigs with one bird"

i prefer not to see it as "losing" followers but "DE-Gaining" losers

#FF Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please, eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot
Signed
@betteroffjen

I just saw a Pigeon walk across the street ON a crosswalk. Day. Complete.

Blame Vinnie. #blamevinnie #sadisticgameshows

Who needs the arms of a woman. When I have the sheets of my bed

i am fast....like a pregnant chick #badanalogies

Your Scars make you Beautiful. The Melody of your soul is your pain. It's plain to Me. You are more than your Skin and Bones

You're Perfect, because you're not

This concept of 'wuv' confuses and infuriates @thicktweetness #FF

Every 20 mins a child is diagnosed with a mustache

screaming your name from my balcony doesnt seem as literary powerful as screaming from the rooftops...even tho the two are only 8 feet apart

MONCTON. I am in you.. Shhhh don't tell anyone

Napped for 2 hrs on the highway. Disappointingly not raped

Dear Alternate World. Pls make Lando Calrissian a district attorney. Signed ... Oh wait nm u did.. In Batman (1989). Thx

If I drove a scooter would you love me more?

@pinapl Why dont coffee cups come with an unending supply of hot coffee, all day every day, #levelup

Pancakes, Sex and Jack Daniels the trident of a perfect morning