Sean Connery's dog must get so confused when he yells for it to sit...

Thought I was depressed, turns out I was just sober.

Dear McDonald's, thank you for not serving hot dogs. I don't think I could order a McWiener with a straight face.

I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.. 💗

Go for the smart, good girl. She'll play slutty but only for you, and she can carry a conversation with your boss at a 5 star restaurant.

Oo those sweet little things men do to prove their love.. Like buy you flowers, call you gorgeous, ignore the restraining order.

If a chick doesn't have at least one irrational thought when her text isn't responded to within an hour, then she's just not that into you.

Ok so my cart tapped your ass.. Whatever guy in front of me!

I see your crocs... That's probably the most action you've gotten in months.

Show me on your Hollister shirt & skinny jeans where you secretly started finding other men attractive.

Decided to stop partying at friends houses who have toddlers... Those childproof bathroom doorknobs are absolutely hell to open while drunk.

A man told Buddha, "I want happiness." Buddha said remove "I" that's ego. Then remove "want" that's desire..See, now u r left w "happiness"❤

I'm not saying you're crazy, I just can't keep up with all of your personalities.

Some tweets really make me realize the importance of mental health care.

Thank goodness for Facebook. I can never be sure it's really raining until I see 200 posts describing the current weather conditions.

Ppl choose popularity instead of self respect b/c it's an instant validation. Might be simpler that way-but I've never wanted what was easy.

I go on FB to see what repressed depression looks like.

Then check Twitter to see narcissism & adultery.

Then..I get offline to be normal.

I don't necessarily enjoy being the bad influence...but hey, somebody has to do it!

There are many manipulative ppl who kindly tell us only what we'd like to hear.

I prefer those who kindly tell me when I'm being an idiot.

My phone only stores 666 photos. It almost always states full capacity at that number :(

Well played, Satan.

Until ure shit faced eating Taco Bell between sobs at 3am while watching an infomercial for insanity, I'm thinking-probably not rock bottom.