The only thing I want written on my tombstone is "I'm standing right behind you."

I'm hoping my see through white shirt will distract everyone from the fact I'm not wearing make-up today

If it wasn't for sex, I would have quit being a grown-up a long time ago.

I guess if you're buying lottery tickets with dimes and nickels it's safe to say you've made a lifetime of bad decisions.

You're never too old to get laid in a car.

I found out yesterday if you give a 3 year old boy a water gun, he'll squirt your boobs.

So apparently washing machine riding should be done in the privacy of your own home.

Oops!

I just found out that I can drive and have an orgasm without touching myself.

I forgot where I was going but it's all good.

I just had a three year old boy put a crayon in my cleavage and wink at me. Really!?! You guys start that young!

Having my phone on vibrate and in my pocket has made getting star fucked a lot more enjoyable.

I'm learning how to be the lead character in my life.

My grandmother told me the secret to staying thin is.......if it tastes good spit it out.

I was dreaming I was eating a banana split and woke up just when I was gonna swallow.

My superpower is driving backwards and not hitting anything.

Oops........never mind.

I'm slowly becoming the person I used to be and I have to say it is nice to see her again.

I thought the cable guy was here to disconnect so I showed him my boobs. I was wrong......my bad.

I'm gonna find out if orgasms are really the best cure for a headache.

My biggest fear is one day stepping out of the shower and seeing the old, naked lady from The Shining in the mirror.

I gave up on my dream of getting laid under the Christmas tree and took it down yesterday.

I die a little inside knowing there's no one here to see my sexy panties.