In the epic battle between good and evil, just remember that evil pays your salary. 

How many followers do you need before you can add "cult leader" to your resume?

How many proctologists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?  

Well...it would take at least four just to hold me down....

The most lasting lesson I learned in church is that I am unable to extinguish a candle flame with telekinesis.

It’s a fine line between having kids and halving kids.

Isn't all marriage same-sex marriage?  Who's getting different sex?

My OCD was really touch-and-go there for a while, but now it's back to three touches.

Don't drink and time travel guys.
P.S. I'm my own grandpa.

I hate when the Twitter joke writers go on strike and everyone starts ad-libbing.

Make like a maritime architecture critic and DISS A PIER.

I haven't ridden a bike in a really long time, but I heard it's like riding a bike.

Descending into madness is not any worse than ascending into it.

Jedi mind tricks only work on the weak minded, or so I've been made to believe.

Dying alone is better than at the mall.

"These sins are to die for."
Flamboyant Jesus

The wife might be into necrophilia.  Not sure how else to interpret "over my dead body."

Polygamy may seem nice in theory, but in practice it’s probably awesome.

You can pick your nose and you can pick you friends, but you can’t pick your nose’s friends.  You have to let him live his own life.

My superpower is maintaining my appetite throughout my crippling depression.

If by gay you mean happy and carefree, then yes they should definitely ban gay marriage.