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I just realized I dumped all my friends and family on Facebook to make jokes all day with people who I don't even know here on twitter
Tell me again why alcohol is legal and smoking a joint gets you locked in a cage. I wasn't paying attention when that premise was laid out.
If I had a nickel for everytime someone asked me what was wrong and I lied and said nothing I'd be rich, probably still fucked up, but rich.
So there is a big music festival in Orlando this weekend and I can't go because I have to use my money for dumb things like feeding my kids.
Seriously wish my wife would join this Occupy my Penis protest
Maybe we need a bigger drum circle.
White People Almost Kissing a novel by Nicholas Sparks pic.twitter.com/qkwjOcjtnS
Watching my super annoyed dog snap at a gnat like a psycho.
It doesn't get any better than this
Just drank a white chocolate mocha from the starbucks at Target. Trying not to shit my pants on the ride home.
#Sunday
#thrill
#ride
Yesterday I discovered a shiv my 3 year old son had hidden under the couch, i think we're going to transfer his college fund to a bail fund.
Blended spinach, carrots and moringa leaves into my son's spaghetti sauce. He still "doesn't eat gross vegetables!"
#ninja
#parenting
Dear son, as fun as it is watching you crawl around the house knocking shit over, I'd like to go to sleep. There's no naptime at my job.
I wonder if Adele will write an entire album about how her hemorrhaging vocal cord betrayed her.
My 8 month old just said "daddy" as his first word, which would be awesome, if it wasn't at 4:30 a.m.while he was flipping out for a bottle
“@ghostpickles: Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water. Now, water can flow or it can crash. Be water my friend.” Bruce Lee!!!!
I'm a dad who cleans up the mess my kids make when we go out to eat. I like making art when I'm not busy being a free range slave.
