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I just realized I dumped all my friends and family on Facebook to make jokes all day with people who I don't even know here on twitter
Tell me again why alcohol is legal and smoking a joint gets you locked in a cage. I wasn't paying attention when that premise was laid out.
If I had a nickel for everytime someone asked me what was wrong and I lied and said nothing I'd be rich, probably still fucked up, but rich.
So there is a big music festival in Orlando this weekend and I can't go because I have to use my money for dumb things like feeding my kids.
Seriously wish my wife would join this Occupy my Penis protest
Maybe we need a bigger drum circle.
Watching my super annoyed dog snap at a gnat like a psycho.
It doesn't get any better than this
Just drank a white chocolate mocha from the starbucks at Target. Trying not to shit my pants on the ride home.
Yesterday I discovered a shiv my 3 year old son had hidden under the couch, i think we're going to transfer his college fund to a bail fund.
Blended spinach, carrots and moringa leaves into my son's spaghetti sauce. He still "doesn't eat gross vegetables!"
Dear son, as fun as it is watching you crawl around the house knocking shit over, I'd like to go to sleep. There's no naptime at my job.
I wonder if Adele will write an entire album about how her hemorrhaging vocal cord betrayed her.
Just released 350 glorious doves into the morning sky, 1 for each follower.
My 8 month old just said "daddy" as his first word, which would be awesome, if it wasn't at 4:30 a.m.while he was flipping out for a bottle
I'm a dad who cleans up the mess my kids make when we go out to eat. I like making art when I'm not busy being a free range slave.