I need help with my 911 call. Should I say "my boyfriend's been shot" or "someone shot my boyfriend"? I have 2 days to decide.

My boyfriend says I'm kind of selfish, but that's not true. I often think of other people.


When I'm having sex with him.

In college I never did a "walk of shame.". I walked out hi-fiving all the frat boys yelling, "Yeah! I nailed him!" #slutpride

When I finally break up with my boyfriend I'm just going to yell "UNFOLLOW" and then walk away.

I like to make weird demands from my bf when we're in bed just to mess w/ him. Yesterday I said "make love to me like we're out of catfood."

There should be a Sex Offenders Registry for men who won't go down on their women.

I thought about being a feminist but what could I possibly do for the cause? I'm just a woman.

I hope Bin Laden wasn't following me on twitter. I hate it when I lose followers.

Every time Snooki gets punched in the face The Smashing Pumpkins get a royalty check.

"I can dish it out, but I can't take it." - Lactose intolerant ice cream man

Sometimes my stars mean 'hi', sometimes they mean 'what you said was funny' & sometimes they mean 'I want to fuck you'. Sometimes I'm drunk.

Someone from Cairo unfollowed me today which makes me think he must've really hated my tweets to find a way to get on the web to do it.

My new vibrator is so powerful. I basically had to cum in self-defense.

We all need to remember that everything we do to kids can scar them for life. I still have nightmares about someone taking my nose.

I hate my ex-boyfriend so much I wish I could take my orgasms back.

Today my boyfriend said he wanted to try something new in bed. I was hoping he meant giving me an orgasm. Apparently not.

Wait. Canada had an election yesterday? That is SO cute!

I tried killing someone with kindness when they were being mean to me but it took too long so I just used a hammer.

I'm getting so old that when my milkshake brings all the boys to my yard I find myself yelling "HEY YOU KIDS, GET OFF MY LAWN!"

If you can't stand the heat, then don't say things that will make me light you on fire.