I just made a drink with vodka and Southern Comfort, I call it an Absolute Moron.

They say good comedy comes from pain. It occurs to me that most of you people have been hurt a lot

Somewhere there’s someone whose favorite actor is Nicolas Cage.

Remember that episode of Toddlers & Tiaras where they all grow up to be filthy drunk whores? I think it was called Rock of Love.

When I drink too much I become everybody's friend which makes up for my hating everybody when I'm sober.

I had pretzels, ice cream & pizza for dinner because I'm single. So please tell me again what's so awesome about being married.

The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.

One of these days I’ll scrub my frying pan but I have to admit the salmon flavored pork chops I just ate were awesome.

My cat just explained how he thinks his life didn't turn out the way he had hoped. Here's to taking more of my meds that I'm supposed to.

Never let your bullshit alarm get rusty.

My smart phone has a learning disability.

I don't have any tattoos or piercings so everyone knows what a rebel I am

"We help handicapped people go to the Olympics, besides you barely remember that little oil spill now" - New BP commercial

Seeing people trying to help friends get to 3K 4K 5K 10K…makes me feel like I’m not as pretty as the rest of the girls.

I found my last girlfriend at the bottom of the deep end of the dating pool, and that's why I'm on twitter.

Ladies, keep surgeons away from your face and your boobs! You can't take plastic surgery back. Besides, you look great.

While it was down I cheated on twitter with myspace and now I just can’t get clean no matter how many showers I take.

"When you're at Olive Garden you're with family" - as if I need another reason to stay away from Olive Garden

Ladies, just remember when a TSA agent checks out your shoes, he probably took this job because he’s some kind of twisted foot freak.

Wow, Dick Cheney admits Palin was “mistake”, you can file that along with the Anderson Cooper Is Gay story in the No Shit, Sherlock file.