Thanks for the cup @certifiablysane! Because fuck Olive Garden and their pretend Italian food.

Check her out!  http://favstar.fm/users/CertifiablySane …

I finally pushed the more option on a tweet I like expecting to get a gumball. Just the latest disappointment that defines my life.

No one exploits disasters more than news channels. If you don't think they talk about how this is a ratings lift you're naive as an alterboy

Can someone please organize my sock drawer? I can't live with this kind of chaos in my life anymore.

If you're really my friend you'll repost this, if not you should be on twitter - something I'd like to see on facebook just once.

I only follow back twitter elite if I like your tweets just like everyone else. So au revoir elitest but thanks for trying!

I think I just saw a tumbleweed blow through twitter.

Thanks for taking one for the team, guys who married women named Ethel!

I have one of those faces that looks familiar to everyone who sits on it.

Every Disney character is a pervert. Gepetto likes little boys, Donald digs a dirty sanchez & Goofy that sick ass is up for anything

Suddenly I'm following too many women with the display name Kalessi for some reason.

I wish to fuck they'd come out with Avatar 2 already. I need to see if they find a way to attain the Unobtainium.

One of you has changed your avi and now I'll never find you again.
SEE WHAT YOU DID?

The sound of my phone battery dying is the saddest sound in the world.

The unfollow option is twitter’s comment card. In other words shut the fuck up and just unfollow me then sit on a big old vibrating dildo.

Whatever people who wear underpants at home.

Hey dude here’s a napkin, you still have some dignity dripping down your chin after telling every woman you follow how beautiful she is.

My least favorite tweet is also my most trophied tweet so I kind of get what Chris Farley went through with the whole fat guy thing.

It's taken me all this time to learn that only women can get away with poop tweets.

I don't know what that means