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If I were a woman, I'd probably say things like "gotta go polish the petunia" and then back my car into a mailbox.
The internet at my folks' house is so slow, I'm masturbating to forehead pictures and modem noise.
I hope a urine soaked hobo broke in my house and died last night.
Otherwise this is a mirror.
The worst thing about doggie style is you can both see your kid come in.
An apple a day is bullshit. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.
Girls are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires and good listeners.
You are right, autocorrect. It is sometimes hard to make a woman origami.
One day I'll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.
"What if I urinated in a Sprite?"
Inventor of Mountain Dew
Negra Modelo is my favorite beer that sounds like my dad describing Tyra Banks to a Mexican.
Pro Tip: In the event your husband catches you fucking another man, crying rape is least effective from the cowgirl position.
Liam Neeson: "I will find you and I will kill you."
Kid: "Dad it's just hide-n-go-seek!"
Liam Neeson: "Right. Sorry."
Today sucks more than a tyrannosaurus fielding ground balls.
It would be worth seizing power in Egypt just to re-name the capital Bumfuck.
Donald Trump is what happens when a YouTube commenter makes a billion dollars.
Some guy asked for help because he lives in a cardboard box so I gave him crayons to turn it into a taxi.
When a guy says "Let me be frank", I punch him immediately.
He's about to be rude, plus a guy named Frank once fucked my girlfriend.
Can't believe it's 2011 and I still can't serve my jail sentence online.
Some people are just beautifully wrapped boxes of shit.
The worst thing about sex with a vegan girl is the sandwich.
This account will self-destruct constantly.