If I were a woman, I'd probably say things like "gotta go polish the petunia" and then back my car into a mailbox.

The internet at my folks' house is so slow, I'm masturbating to forehead pictures and modem noise.

I hope a urine soaked hobo broke in my house and died last night.

Otherwise this is a mirror.

The worst thing about doggie style is you can both see your kid come in.

An apple a day is bullshit. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.

Girls are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires and good listeners.

You are right, autocorrect. It is sometimes hard to make a woman origami.

One day I'll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.

"What if I urinated in a Sprite?"

Inventor of Mountain Dew

Negra Modelo is my favorite beer that sounds like my dad describing Tyra Banks to a Mexican.

Pro Tip: In the event your husband catches you fucking another man, crying rape is least effective from the cowgirl position.

Liam Neeson: "I will find you and I will kill you."

Kid: "Dad it's just hide-n-go-seek!"

Liam Neeson: "Right. Sorry."

Today sucks more than a tyrannosaurus fielding ground balls.

It would be worth seizing power in Egypt just to re-name the capital Bumfuck.

Donald Trump is what happens when a YouTube commenter makes a billion dollars.

Some guy asked for help because he lives in a cardboard box so I gave him crayons to turn it into a taxi.

When a guy says "Let me be frank", I punch him immediately.

He's about to be rude, plus a guy named Frank once fucked my girlfriend.

Can't believe it's 2011 and I still can't serve my jail sentence online.

Some people are just beautifully wrapped boxes of shit.

The worst thing about sex with a vegan girl is the sandwich.