My dad was like the Hulk in that he was a violent asshole whose pants didn't fit well.

There’s probably nothing more disappointing than your first day at work for the Food and Drug Administration.

"I want to wear jorts and ride a giant mosquito." - University of Florida application.

Sorry I'm late. I've been slavishly agreeing with the stupid opinions of an attractive person.

I lost a follower but I swung by her house to explain my joke and she was good.

I’d feel better about Trojan condoms if those guys had prevented the Greeks from spilling into their inner sanctum.

Negra Modelo is my favorite beer that sounds like my dad describing Tyra Banks to a Mexican.

Even if I don't win this square dancing award, it's an honor just to be promenaded.

My dates often involve me correcting the Olive Garden waiter’s pronunciation of menu items.

Fun prank: Take a sleeping friend’s hand & dip it in warm water. Then, I don’t know, polish yourself off with it, you already crossed over.

I have an awful personality but I make up for it by dyeing my goatee.

Squirrel are you my uncle because your nuts keep showing up in my grill.

I hate socialism because it sounds like it means interacting with people.

I am not going peacefully with any cop wearing shorts.

I'll never look as surprised as an 80's guitar player using a whammy bar.

"Jaydunn, I appreciate that you played college lacrosse but we need more brown paper on these windshields." - Enterprise manager.

I just assume any temperature given in Celsius is freezing.

Half the blood. Half the body. Half the calories. New Diet Christ ™

A few of my bracket picks: I've got Walmart Moms beating Their Kids, White Men over Women & Minorities and Obama to upset Republicans.

My friend is suffering from depression. I've tried everything; sending a clown over, telling her to snap out of it. Nothing.