Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
*quietly deletes "eight maids a-milking prostates" from draft folder*
Jimmy looked sad for a second and said “Yeah, but he was the only damn one who could do it.”
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
You are right, autocorrect. It is sometimes hard to make a woman origami.
"Why do men have nipples?", he wondered idly, as he forced his cat to suckle.
I know I'm a big deal because when I brag about my accomplishments that's the first thing people say.
If you put eyelashes on your car's headlights I will straight up bone the exhaust pipe.
There's still time to pre-order my parenting book "Shutup You Little Shitwagon" from Amazon.
Girls are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires and good listeners.
I've actually been to Transylvania and it's a wondrous land of cross-dressing yinzers.
Negra Modelo is my favorite beer that sounds like my dad describing Tyra Banks to a Mexican.
Your honor, I’d like to make a motion simulating a blow job in response to counsel’s objection.
The old men at my gym dry their dicks off under the hand dryers. That was not in the brochure.
An apple a day is bullshit. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.
Typo-texted my daughter that if she wasn’t home by 11, I’d lick her boyfriend’s ass. She was back my 10:30!
When a devil is on one shoulder and an angel on the other, I consider the quality of their respective food cakes.
Whoa, easy there, Peter North soap dispenser.
No thanks, Peter Pan. Never Never Land sounds like my sex life and I really hate your hat.
Everything sucks for a reason.
The worst thing about doggie style is you can both see your kid come in.