This guy at the bar keeps staring at me should I talk to him or stop pretending my cat is a guy and my bathroom is a bar?

For "fuck sake" or "for fuck's sake?" I need this email to sound professional.

Good thing the silica gel packet that came with my shoes was marked "DO NOT EAT". I assume all new shoes come with snacks.

My parents organise the weirdest flash mobs. It’s just a room full of people telling me my drinking is out of control.

Taylor Swift can save us a lot of time if she'd just remake "Mambo No. 5" and change the names mentioned to all of her ex-boyfriends.

Are you there OxyContin? It's me, Nathan.

Realised that I've never deleted an episode of 'Hoarders.' And so it begins......

Mornings would start out a lot differently if there was a "booze" button instead of "snooze" on alarm clocks.

If you say "pacific" instead of "specific", I hope you drown in the specific ocean.

When it comes to crying, my favourite Kleenex is vodka.

If you didn't name your medicine cabinet Dr. Quinn Medicine Cabinet then congratulations on having a life and not being me.

Alcohol only becomes a problem when I don't have any.

Sometimes I close my eyes when I'm masturbating and pretend I'm not in the food court.

I don't think my Valentine's Day date is coming.

I bet it really throws a murderous hitchhiker off their game if you pick them up in a hot air balloon.

Thought I saw Guy Fieri in my kitchen but it was just a pineapple.

Macaulay Culkin better do the aftershave-scream thing in the morning or I've just fucked him for nothing.

Just vacuumed a carpeted staircase and now I wanna fight someone.

Driving drunk is really good practice if you lose an eye.

I thought I was watching Mumford & Sons but, turns out, it was just a table cloth and placemats.