Boobs= Once you've seen one pair.
They're all still pretty fucking awesome.

Guys! It's a clit! Yes, its similar to the Holy Grail, but WAY EASIER TO FIND...seekers can form a straight line to my left...

Sometimes the only solution is lots and lots of booze.

"dickweed" seems less like an insult and more like the most wonderful combination, my two favorite things in the world

To the girl I just saw picking her nose in her car: I love you. I bet you wouldn't be shy about shitting in front of me either. MARRY ME.

Stair lift advertisers should target people like me who are too drunk to use stairs. Not old people. They get all the cool toys.

People just like me because I have a filthy sense of humor and a dirty mouth. Oh. And I love the cock.

The worst thing that could happen to a serial killer is getting caught after the first one.

I'm thinking of letting the 4 year old carry a knife. Gotta teach those other little bitches not to cut in line on the slide.

Just accidentally starred my own tweet and Kanye West surfaced out of thin air to high-five me.

If you didn't just fall asleep drunk on the toilet, then you're not on my level.

Who wants to be my boyfriend? I'm tired of making them up.

I always have sex doggy style..I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead

That awkward moment when you notice the string of anal beads hanging from mom's rear view mirror...

Right now, someone in the world lit their last cigarette backwards.

A Michigan law states that a wife's hair legally belongs to her husband. #StarsDYKfacts

When my penis gets horny

I give it the old "talk to the hand"

When masturbating with vegetables, is a condom really necessary?

Cause I just wash it and put it back.


Just kidding!



I don't wash it.

My husband has been missing for a week, the police say to prepare for the worst... So I went to the thrift store & got all his clothes back!

I'd love to be the farmer supplying life with all these fucking lemons everyone's talking about.