You only live once, so fuck it up right

Unlike some women, I don't use sex to get what I want . . . sex is what I want

May god have mercy on my new vibrator

Lady in front of me with 3 screaming brats . . . if you're wondering how the box of Trojans got in your shopping cart . . . you're welcome

I don't smoke after sex, I drink a gatorade and get ready for round two

I would rather see your IQ score than a dick pic

A real man isn't intimidated by a successful chick . . . her accomplishments just make him want to bang her harder

If a nice girl asks for doggy style, she probably just wants to laugh into a pillow instead of your face

My only reason for keeping about half of the numbers in my phone is so I know not to answer when the shitheads call

Some mistakes are too much fun to make just once

I'm a fan of anything inappropriate

Friends don't let friends go without sex

If it involves drinking, cupcakes and making out, then I’m in

Studies show that relationships last longer when he thinks your hot and wants to rip your clothes off and fuck the hell out of you

I'm not a slut . . . my pussy is just social

One of the kindest acts of friendship is to leave someone the fuck alone when they tell you they don't want to talk about it

If I ever get married, the only place I'm doing a registry is the liquor store

Blowjobs are more fun when he grabs your hair, forces his cock down your throat and shows you how daddy likes it

I swear I'm getting dumber as I get older, but at least I'm getting better at acting like I know what I'm doing

If the golden rule of treating others the way you want to be treated doesn't work, fuck it and just treat them how they treat you