Have you ever known a girl named Amber who isn’t a complete screw up? If you do, then good for you, because that Amber beat the odds.

If you want to get my attention, just put "Hey, Asshole" in the subject header in an e-mail. I will read it first.

I'm guessing that drunk girl I always hear yelling "Woo Hoo!" in the background at the bar is pretty open to casual sex.

Please, more fat people tweets because I like laughing at myself.

Why even use Ambien when just laying down and turning on a soccer game will do?

Sometimes I like to stop and fart at the jewelry counter in Macy's to remind them that there's common folk like us that shop there too.

I don't care about over RT'ing anymore. If it's relevant to me, I'll do it. My timeline is not sacred.

If I were a homeless guy, I'd walk up behind young women, put my arm around them & cop a feel on a boob because I have nothing to lose.

Nothing sends the message of preventing underage drinking such as having a ten foot tall neon clown as a liquor store sign.

My superpower is actually speaking to a woman after chugging five pints of Guinness.

Sorority girls have the University of South Carolina Football team's slogan on the back of their panties. Go Cocks.

The best time to cheat on your girlfriend is when she's worried about her cable bill,on her period, and pissed off at you for watching porn.

Nicki Minaj doesn't wear miniskirts because she's afraid her balls will show.

I'd rather not tweet at all than steal tweets.

You hand me a Diet Coke, you might as well tell me to go drink paint thinner, because that shit tastes feral.

If you're thanking me for starring you, it's a good gesture to give some stars back. I am not a tool.

A nun has hope in her soul and a woman getting out of the shower has soap in her hole.

I wonder if it's worth settling down instead of having fun playing Call of Duty,paying for sex,fapping to porn,or getting high on some drug.

Left alone, women revert back to their more primal instincts. That's why having their boobs squeezed and spanked on the ass turns them on.

I learned two things today. One, that Abe Lincoln freed the slaves, and two, that Joanne Carter, the figure skater doesn't wear any panties.