Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
The worst thing about that guy who posts non-stop gym updates is that all that exercise is gonna make him live longer.
This day was so awful that NBC ordered it as a pilot.
I don't mind if a girl is religious, as long as she isn't "saving it for the second date" religious.
A 100 follower account, a 2K and a 50K walk into a bar....and nobody can tell the difference.
GET THE FUCK OVER YOURSELF.
I wish they'd stop putting directions & warning labels on products and just let evolution run its course.
Preparing a Princess bubble bath. My 4 yr old daughter is so jealous of me right now.
If its the thought that counts then I've banged so many hot chicks.
I don't give a shit who plays Batman in a Superman movie you guys, I've had sex.
This guy slamming beers at his kid's soccer game is really embarrassing himself.
Related: I talk about myself in 3rd person when I'm drunk.
I always mix up UR and U'RE.
If I haven't ordered by 8PM on a Friday, Pizza Hut calls to check on me.
Australian followers: I'm at Outback Steakhouse right now. So high five, guys.
Narcissists need to take a long, hard look in the mirror.
A lot of the women on here are just joking or being flirty about sex. All of the men are dead serious.
Please let your past relationships affect the way you treat me.
In no way am I a different person than those guys I've never met.
Absense makes the heart grow fonder. That basically explains my fascination with sex.
My car rides are always gut wrenching because its so tough to choose between the Bruno Mars song on the radio or ramming my car in to a tree
Hey "elite" who don't thank me for trophies: you're not gettimg anymore, and its gonna affect your tip when you're my server in RL. Loser.
Being white and also not being racist really limits my jokes.
*gets a sexy new follower*
Play it cool, Ray
*stars 10 selfies in a row*