I don't mind if a girl is religious, as long as she isn't "saving it for the second date" religious.

Watching Dora really prepares my daughter for the day I drop her off in the woods

If its the thought that counts then I've banged so many hot chicks.

I got the moobs like Kilmer

Hey "elite" who don't thank me for trophies: you're not gettimg anymore, and its gonna affect your tip when you're my server in RL. Loser.

if i tweet that ive been drinking all day, you all will think thats funny and overlook my issues. this is on your hands.

Preparing a Princess bubble bath. My 4 yr old daughter is so jealous of me right now.

If you know whether or not the curtains match the drapes you're dating the wrong girl.

Absense makes the heart grow fonder. That basically explains my fascination with sex.

People who say "only God can judge me" should spend 20 minutes with my mom.

@footballscoop 6 years ago Chip Kelly was at New Hampshire and 8 years ago Brian Kelly was in D2

if my iphone dies and im not near a charger, i curl up in a ball. how did my ancestors live in teepees and fish with sticks? wtf?

Narcissists need to take a long, hard look in the mirror.

Being white and also not being racist really limits my jokes.

Australian followers: I'm at Outback Steakhouse right now. So high five, guys.

i wish there was a junior "elite" for people under 500, so I could be somewhat of a prick.

My car rides are always gut wrenching because its so tough to choose between the Bruno Mars song on the radio or ramming my car in to a tree

I have a signature sex move, its called brevity

My hairdresser : "sorry I have to get it wet for you.

Me: "giggle"

Her: "its just so thick, which is a good thing"

I fell out of my chair

politics, current events, celebreties...am i right?