Your party doesn't believe in evolution. RT @mccainblogette Heartbroken. My party has to evolve or it's going to die.

Holy Crap. The Empire State building will reflect the vote. It turns blue for Obama. If Romney wins, it bursts into flames and we die.

Anyone know what bar Mayan chicks hang out in? I've got a good line I want to use.

Folgers got it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed after you pee.

When God closes a door, he opens a window. So God's pretty clearly getting high in his dorm room.

Counterfeit Apple products are called Samsung, Mitt.

Is Moonrise Kingdom the first movie shot entirely in Instagram?

BTW, if you die aboard the Titanic II, the only appropriate reaction is, "yeah, I pretty much had this coming."

How can unemployment be so high when CNN actually paid someone to write "Peyton is still the Manning" as a headline.

I got a message from Sallie Mae that tomorrow's apocalypse will not alter my student loan obligations.

"They caught who hacked Burger King. It was the Hamburgler!" -- Jay Leno, 12 hours from now.

Amazeballs and awesomesauce walk into a bar. I lock all the doors and set it on fire.

We live in a world that believes guns don't kill people, but radio DJs do.

"It's Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve!" -- Confused gay-basher

Did no one at Hogwarts know a spell to fix forehead scars?

With CNN's split screen, it looks like Romney is whimsically considering raping Barack.

Martha Raddatz should change her name to "So Much Better Than Jim Lehrer."

Insufficent sleep can lead to cognitive disturbances. For example, all the people who think their insomnia makes for a good tweet.

If Jon Bon Jovi and Ellen Degeneres were roommates they could double their wardrobes!

I couldn't watch walking dead last night so I just played left4dead with the sound off and asked my wife to talk about her feelings.