I like to say bitch at the end of every sentence because I feel it makes that sentence 10 times more effective, bitch.

Who wants to play rock,paper,duct tape ,handcuffs,leather restraints,chains,ball gag,nipple clamps and scissors?

Dear NBA, Nobody cares. Sincerely, Everybody.

Facebook : Reminding you why you stopped talking to people in high school.

Where is Funky Town anyways?

An obese woman wanted to do the no pants dance with me, I politely said,"no,thank you".She said," what,you got E.D.?". No Ms., I have eyes.

Mother says if I keep playing with my Twitter I'll go blind.

Dear America, IF for some STRANGE reason you decide to elect Michele Bachmann President,I will be wanting a divorce from you.

Don't forget to set your clocks back to November 5, 1955.

When I see a pregnant woman I point to her stomach and in a creepy voice I say, I know what YOU were doing.

Rape, covering up rape and now riots. Stay classy Penn State.

A Fat tax is when people have a gym memberships and pay every month but haven't gone in over a year.

There's a moment when I'm shaving my balls that I'll stop, laugh and say, this is ridiculous.

I bet all of the other comedians force Patton Oswalt to do the truffle shuffle before they let his fat ass in the comedy clubs to perform.

Now the trick is to get people in real life to keep conversations with me to 140 characters or less.

When I have insomnia I'm all like, FUCK YOU 3:47AM,FUCK YOU 3:48AM,FUCK YOU 3:49AM,FUCK YOU 3:50..........

Probably NOT a good idea to drink a five hour energy at 5 O'clock in the afternoon. Anybody need their whole house painted right now ???

Dear women and your breasts,
Thank you.
Love,Martin.

It puts the lotion on It's skin. It does this when ever it's told.

Pro's: Hot neighbor bending over and her cleavage pouring out of her shirt.
Con's: She was bending over to pick up her dog shit.