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My favourite part of the Bible is the one where Jesus travels to the sun on a dinosaur to defeat Napoleon. I won't lie, I skimmed through it
If you ever get the opportunity to see two whales fucking, call me. Because that is the only thing that gets me off
If you stare too closely at a microwave while it's on, chances are I'm probably screwing your wife -- brought to you by reading rainbow
Thanks to Words With Friends I've learned new phrases such as, "Motherfucker that's not a word, you stupid piece of shit game, I hate you"
Whenever I lower a basket to women I keep in a pit in my basement, I always include a note that says "You're beautiful"
Joseph #Kony's favourite band is Nickelback #StopKony
I see everyone at the store buying beer and party platters. Not really sure what's going on but if the apocalypse is tomorrow I'm screwed
I was about to donate to charity, then I saw the guy collecting the money had a gold watch and I thought, "note to self: start a charity"
I live by one rule: live by my second rule, which is my first rule doesn't apply. My point is I fucking hate my wife
I like to let the juices of my steak soak into my beard. That way when I'm making sweet love to a woman, she gets to taste freedom
Seems an uncle of mine in Nigeria whom I've never met is leaving me $30 billion. All I gotta do is give them my bank account. Totally legit
I think the thing Anthony Weiner should be ashamed of is he still uses AOL. Not that he sent his dick to someone
I had to watch a sexual harassment video (court order) and apparently, calling some broad "Sugar Tits" is wrong. Thanks a lot 19th Amendment
If I ever ran for president, my first order would be to eliminate McDonald's time constraints on their breakfast. Hello recovered economy!
Whenever I tweet about Glenn Beck, my phone automatically follows with "that fucking douchebag" proving that even inanimate objects hate him
I'm not gonna say my neighbour is worse than Stalin, but he did borrow my lawnmower without asking. So it's pretty much the same thing
I'm lobbying for Encyclopedia Britannica to be changed to Brimtannica. But they won't accept an encyclopedia of just pictures of boobs
Fun fact: 25 years ago, Back to the Future was released. Another fun fact: I just came inside a woman's shoe, and she had no idea
I'm working on a car powered by the tears of poor people. Should be able to drive forever from the citizens of Detroit alone
I talk a lot about my penis. Plus I love hookers, cocaine, copious amounts of alcohol and kittens.