@nottjmiller "Stop it" I'm trying to "watch the olympics" #quotesmakeitcreepy

Since I don't smoke, it would be cool if they would stop making me watch these disgusting anti-smoking commercials. #StomasAreGross

Pretty cool that the Manti Te'o is about to be the NFL's first openly gay player.

@crosbi_lerae I hope that guy is a strong swimmer, or else he'll probably drown in all that pussy.

@caleb_hertel generally speaking, I have nothing but complete faith in your ability to do that.

If I was a vegan that really cared about animal welfare I'd still eat turkey because fuck those big ugly beasts.

Fast food doesn't count if you finish it all in your car before you make it home. #DietTips

I'm not really into cocaine but I'd love to have the kind of lifestyle in which I eat cheeseburgers off a strippers ass.

@iankarmel Probably more likely to run into E-40 at the Oakland airport, so...

HOLY SHIT! LOOK AT HIS LITTLE SPOTS! AND HIS TUFTED EARS!! pic.twitter.com/YSoXHYRK

Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but we're being manipulated by a ruling class of lizard people.

Jay Electronica is about that life... http://t.co/pYzYtv3O via @mailonline

I get paranoid when people don't text me back right away. "It's probably because they hate me now, what happened during my last blackout?"

@caleb_hertel THIS IS YOU!!! (cc: @kyeleeraye) http://t.co/gh1o5VKl

It's not a subtweet if you actually use their name in it.

I just unfollowed somebody on tumblr for complaining about "thin privilege" because I can only take so much outrage.

@taydysare I think I just blinded myself with the camera flash. pic.twitter.com/yhqx8CJgbA

Me waking up to go to church with my mom today is infinitely more impressive than whatever Jesus did. I am your new messiah.

If you've ever told someone to kill themselves online you're a bad person. Unless it was @realdonaldtrump. Then we should be friends.

@kyeleeraye my infinity tattoo represents forever, which is something I'm very into because I'm, like, a very deep and spiritual person.