The Kardashian family asks that you respect Kim's privacy during this difficult time and wait until they finish editing the divorce special.

I...like...big...WORDS and I cannot obfuscate the veracity of my proclamation.

At the bank, I noticed my wife's signature is slowly morphing into mine. It's clearly part of her diabolical plan to bilk me of my hundreds.

Still in bed. Son asked that I come downstairs. Wants 2 show me something "totally awesome." If it's not a bacon tower, I'm gonna be pissed.

I was just asked to touch base with a female co-worker on a project. I hope it's 2nd base.

I draw the line at making offensive jokes about angry midgets because those can come back to bite me in the ass later on.

A new Stanford study claims that watching less TV can lead to weight loss. What a revelation! Next up: Is Twitter killing work productivity?

A new study reports that more teens are using the rhythm method for birth control. Well, obviously not the white kids.

Maytag just recalled 1.7 million dishwashers. This immigration issue is really getting out of hand.

My wife just gave me shit for spending 94% of my day on the couch.

I swear, if she was within at least 3 feet of this couch right now...

Cleanliness may be next to Godliness, but laziness totally has the most comfortable seat on the couch.

Did you know if you take the letters in the first names of all the Golden Girls and rearrange them you can procrastinate for an entire hour?

You'd think a guy who graduated Magna Cum Laude almost 15 years ago wouldn't giggle everytime he saw it on his resume, but you'd be wrong.

The PGA Tour and a huge Twilight convention are in town. If you've lost any caucasians, they're probably here.

My birthday this year falls on Thanksgiving. I really hate sharing it with a major holiday. Now I know how Jesus feels.

After surgically removing all of the walnuts from this free brownie with a paperclip, I've realized I missed my calling. As a crazy person.

If you're trying to import your own candy into a movie, there are wiser choices than boxes of Nerds. Might as well had maracas in my shorts.

Call me an overly cautious parent, but I don't let my kids play anywhere near the monkey bars.

Drunk monkeys are such assholes.

My son's leprochaun trap for tonight is decorated with glitter and rainbows.

I hope I don't find Richard Simmons in it tomorrow morning.

This guy blasting incomprehensibly loud thumpy music in his car at this red light is lucky he can't hear what I'm too afraid to yell at him.