@WadetoBlack's (Wade) recently faved Tweets...
Sometimes I feel so guilty watching my wife wash the dishes that I think about hiring someone to watch her do it for me.
Having your boss tell you that you can leave work 5 minutes early is like winning the world's worst lottery.
Or like marrying a Kardashian.
Or like marrying a Kardashian.
By 5pm on Fridays, I usually end up feeling like Darth Vader at the end of Return of the Jedi. Oh shit, SPOILER ALERT!
The guy I just met was a real straight shooter. So to be safe, I stood about two feet to the left of him.
Sometimes I fantasize about never having to work but then I remember I don't like talking to people so I would totally suck at panhandling.
@ashamedtosay I am! Thanks. Though I've heard it can take up to 12 hours for food poisoning to take effect when placed in lasagna.
1
They started tearing down the old Yankee Stadium today, making it their biggest collapse since the 2004 playoffs againt the Red Sox. Zing!
@ashamedtosay That was a secret message to my wife to see if she was still reading my tweets. If I'm dead later, you'll know it's a yes!
3
Loggerhead sea turtles are now on the endangered species list.
Next up: Wives who clean the house instead of playing on Facebook all day.
Next up: Wives who clean the house instead of playing on Facebook all day.
The upside to losing 15 pounds is that I can fit into old pants I've been saving in my closet.
The downside is I'm still wearing pants.
The downside is I'm still wearing pants.
I try not to get really animated during a conversation because I hate it when anvils fall on my head.
I'm not sure I can handle a day full of Corey Haim jokes. Haven't we suffered enough watching his career?
Not everybody wants to rule the world, Tears for Fears. Me? I'd be happy just ruling this couch for the rest of the night.
I hate when my wife puts weird things on my grocery list when she knows I have no idea what it is.
For example, what is this broccoli shit?
For example, what is this broccoli shit?
Seven years of Spanish classes and all I have to show for it is an impeccable rendition of the intro from Stop by Jane's Addiction.
Having my mouth open in the dentist's chair for 30 minutes straight reminds me why guys run away from the cops to avoid prison.
I'm headed to part two of my root canal this morning, making it the least anticipated sequel since Mannequin Two: On The Move.
The good news is that our floor's filtered water is now free of charge to use.
The better news is that I'm now no longer a thief.
The better news is that I'm now no longer a thief.
It's always disappointing when you miss 2 days of work and things don't blow up.
I guess they figured out to cut the green then blue wires.
I guess they figured out to cut the green then blue wires.
Waiting to see who you're sitting next to on an airplane is the original Chatroulette.
Now where the hell is the next button?
Now where the hell is the next button?
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