C'mon Baby. Does it really matter what "Rock *I* crawled out from under"? I'm here Now ain't I?

Forget it Beer! This is my Wife's Makeup, Lipstick & Vanity Mirror. You are not the Boss of Me... OK just this once.

At my Wife's Birthday Party I fell face first into the Cake. She said I made a "Bad Impression". Whatever! That Imprint looked Just Like Me.

Ever try to pick up a Hot Girl by hitting on her less attractive friend ... get really drunk and forget your whole strategy? Yeah... me too.

I do get teased a lot about my surfeit of body hair. Sometimes when we're driving, my wife will turn to me and ask "Are we there Yeti?"

Preparing 2 minute noodles: Remove Noodles from packet, Steep in hot water, add contents of flavour sachet... Discard & buy Food.

I've just discovered that I can't dissolve myself in water. *Sob* I'm INCONSOLUBLE.

I meet a Friend. I'm Single, She's Single, I say, "I don't want to ruin our Friendship" & suddenly I'm Adam telling Eve. that she's Fat.

I fed the Jack Russell raw bacon. You shouldn't do that, it's too much like human flesh. Now he's just staring at me... & licking his lips.

Having your Proctologist whisper his cell phone number in your ear during a prostate exam. #worstfeeling

Van Gogh: He was Cheerless, and Peerless, but he wasn't *Quite* Earless.

Hey, maybe it's a "small town New Zealand" thing, but over here... A lot of the *Cougars* dress a bit like Leopards.

"Oooh, I just Love these Scenic Drives". (Tree, Tree, Tree...)

Speaking of "Power Walkers": If you wedged 6 foot poles between their butt cheeks, they'd look like Metronomes

I'm drinking Gin, Red Bull & Cranberry Juice. I Can See Through Walls.

My Recycling Bin, brings All the Judgmental looks to the Yard.

My Inner Child, is really Needy... & kind of a Drunk.

I'm Knock Knock Knocking on Kevin's Floor. (Kevin is my upstairs neighbor, and a Noisy Bastard.)

If it wasn't for procrastinating, I wouldn't be doing anything right now.

I hope that you'll all buy my latest Self Help book, on the art of being *Seen* to care. It's called "Chicken Soup for the Ego".