Unfollowers: It was the tweet about throwing kittens in the river right? They all had life jackets. They are safe & now drying in microwave.

If you don’t mumble “fuck off” to your children under your breath for the first two hours every morning, then tell me your secrets, wizard.

The only phone sex I want is you inside me while I call my ex

Actually I only spend 10% of my life getting drunk. The other 90% is spent on damage control.

Congrats on your 0★ tweet!

Saying something about my "moist panties" is like sliding into home and getting tagged, because you're fuckin out man.

I don't know why Sluts have a hard time Saying "No". They heard the word "No" everytime they asked their Dads for a hug.

Morning Routine:

-Shower
-Brush Teeth
-Do the helicopter with my penis
-Crush morning after pill in girlfriends oatmeal
-go to work

I just walked into this Target like I own the fucking place. Bitch, where are the fucking wash rags!!?

I'm writing a children's book called "Don't Stick That in There." Some of your dirty asses might need a copy of that shit.

I like to find my unfollowers in person and say I'm not done talking to you and proceed to tell them four more tweets they missed.

The only thing that's clear to me is Vodka.

I never call women who like to sleep around sluts. I just call them.

If I’ve never had any interaction with you, there's no need to tell me you’re unfollowing. I wouldn’t have noticed you were gone or cared.

I'm going to start dating white guys again.

My vagina is starting to look like Compton.

Oh, look! The sun is up and so are both my middle fingers. Have a great day, you stupid fucks.

PLEASE don't interact with me. Please.

When I run naked it sounds like a truck full of kickballs spilled onto a rainy highway.

I wish Dog the Bounty Hunters wife starred on a show called "The first 48"

Does it bother you when I sometimes ignore your @'s? Never mind, I'd probably just ignore your answer.