I've dedicated my entire life to fucking up my entire life.

The moment you pause to think if a tweet might offend someone is the exact same moment you should fucking send it.

I'm starting to think that some of you may have a problem with drugs. And masturbation. And trust. And life.

Hey people with locked accounts? Tell us who hurt you.

I don't follow back right away because some of you are fucking stupid and need to be analyzed first.

Sometimes I ask myself. How do you drink this much Vodka every night? Then I say to myself. What's with all the stupid fucking questions?

I have two speeds. Fuck off and fuck you.

New tweeters if you're funny, star and retweet. People will find you. If not, you're a unfunny selfish cunt. Stop begging for followers.

Whoever came up with this whole working for a living bullshit should get stomped in the fucking face.

Being a Walmart Manager has benefits. I get to plunge toilets, help customers with no teeth AND spend my breaks planning my own suicide.

Golden Corral's new chocolate wonderfall tastes like eviction notices and freshly cashed welfare checks.

The first rule on Twitter is there's no fucking rules on Twitter you sensitive little bitches.

Some of my greatest memories are from when I completely blacked out from alcohol and can't really remember a fucking thing. Good times.

Try to retweet and star a little before you complain about not having followers. Even some of the best do it. It's free you fucking idiots.

About a hour ago I started to care about something. I immediately punched myself in the balls and I think I'm ok now.

Were all just blades of grass waiting to be pissed on by a dog called life. See, I can do fucking insperational tweets too.

Everytime I send a tweet with the word cunt or fuck in it. I raise my pinky as I hit send to keep shit muthafucking classy.

I got unfollowed by someone I liked. Guess what I did? Unfollowed and moved the fuck on with life. Get over shit you sensitive assholes.

Some advice for new tweeters:

1. Keep your @ replies to under 50%
2. You're not fucking funny
3. Retweet
4. Shut the fuck up and learn

Some of you act like you have to pay a fee to retweet.