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For breakfast, Uncle Dennis made my family a bowl of scrambled eggs. He used 18 eggs.
Would the real Stephen Hawking please sit down?
Say "iPhone" 5 times, clap your hands 2 times, and favourite this. Now, look under your pillow. Watch what happens.
My life flashes before my eyes when I slip on ice.
That awkward moment when you walk into a stairwell and witness a couple breaking up, and they're blocking your way to the stairs. #awkotaco
Imagine if you could taste things with your toes holy shit that would suck
"You okay girl?" "Yeah, just sneezed" "Ah okay. I thought yous crying to yo hubby n I was gunna say dang he don't deserve u girl" "okay"
It's only 7:46 and I've already had multiple men tell me I look good. Tonight's gonna be good
Had a dream that I was on a bus and it drove off the side of the mountain
No problem man also would I be able to buy some this weekend?
UGH JUST REALIZED I HAVE TO BE AROUND MR. MACLEAN FOR ANOTHER SEMESTER
You may be drunk but you're not Jenn Sharpe running through the forest at 1 in the morning with a towel wrapped around your face drunk
Austins couch was my best friend last night
Named my bong after Whoopi Goldberg
If you vote for me, all of your wildest dreams will come true.