I'm 27. I'm a banker. It's a Saturday night. I'm single.

I've built myself a pillow fort. At home.

This is why the economy is fucked.

What we say: "Ladies first"
What we mean: "I want to check out your ass"

Asked the receptionist ifshe validates parking. She responded with 'Your parking was awesome'. I AM IN LOVE.

I've often mistaken the ball-fapping noise during sex for the applause of a live studio audience.

Date tonight. I like this girl so much I've febreezed the sheets...

...and chloroformed the pillow

Hot neighbour asked me when I'm 'coming out the closet'.

Um, when she's asleep and her husband is away from home. Just like last time.

Been screwing a lot of fish recently. Worried I might have mermAIDS.

My sister is head over heels in love with her new Mexican boyfriend. She's convinced he's The Juan.

I sincerely hope my last words are:

"This is MY private jet! If I say we loop-de-loop then we fucking well loop-de-loop."

I haven't pooped in 40 hours. I look like Octomom.

Only British. So I'm Octomum.

I was really disappointed to find out that the person arrested for stalking Miley Cyrus was not Death.

In Britain, we say 'full stop'. In America, they say 'period'. In Canada, they say 'sorry'

Kirstie Alley?


More like Kirstie SixLaneFreeway.

So Barack Obama is allowed to give an address to kids and i get arrested when i try and give them mine?

I quit farmville on FB when the Feds found out it was just a front for my weed-growing business.

People are always asking me what my favourite gag is, so I tell them it's the one that stops the girl from screaming for help.

Sweet Jesus, I've had enough.

Moving on to Savoury Jesus.

The great thing about decaf coffee is you don't get a feeling of loss when you throw it in the face of the motherfucker who brought me decaf

I'm at work on Yom Kippur because I'm not a full-blooded Jew.

I'm Jew-ish.

The Circle of Life is a beautiful thing:

Man maketh the children.
Clothes maketh the man.
Children maketh the clothes.