This may not be; the proper forum; to reveal this; however; I have semi-colon cancer.

Just found out my high school Driver's Ed instructor has been diagnosed with Parallel Parkinson's disease. That's got to be devastating.

"Dolphin safe tuna" is a no-brainer. It's obvious that there's no way a dolphin can harm those tuna when they're safe inside that can.

Fun Fact: Out of all the guys who've read The Lord of the Rings Trilogy more than twice, Robert Plant has slept with the most females.

I'm starting to dislike a tattoo I got years ago. Now I know what Holocaust survivors feel like.

Some tweets I laugh at and some I just glare at with genuine and intolerable envy.

I'm involved in a collaborative art project with my cat. It's in the beginning stages, so I can't say much, but it involves vomit & carpet.

Douché. That's how you reply to someone who's out-douched you.

My family crest is a pair of hands eternally struggling to open a stubborn jar of pickles.

I see a lot of "South Will Rise Again" bumper stickers. How about a new slogan the South wont make good w/ like "South Will Take Up Jogging"

I love going into PetSmart's aquarium aisle and start angrily accusing employees of obtaining their fish from guppy mills.

You can have my amateur genetic experiment laboratory when you pry it from my cold dead 2nd set of hands.

Is it just me, or does an armadillo look like a piglet in special forces uniform?

The Kardashians. Is this something I'd have to be a Trekkie to know about?

My 100th tweet: When the camera zooms out & I'm in an asylum muttering "stars" "fail whale" & a nurse says it's been like this for 1 yr now.

Only porn sites get the dot-xxx domain names? Won't someone think of the lowly moonshiners, bootleggers, and rum-runners?

May I make a suggestion? A midi version of the song "Everybody Hurts" by R.E.M. embedded into the "Deactivate my account" Twitter page?

Pro Tip: When renting a DVD with the word "Mandingo" in the title, the odds are very slim it will be an Australian Werewolf film.

I miss the däys when ümläuts meänt sömething.

I bet when Gallagher finally decides to commit suicide, that sledgehammer's going to be tremendously handy.