This may not be; the proper forum; to reveal this; however; I have semi-colon cancer.

"Dolphin safe tuna" is a no-brainer. It's obvious that there's no way a dolphin can harm those tuna when they're safe inside that can.

Fun Fact: Out of all the guys who've read The Lord of the Rings Trilogy more than twice, Robert Plant has slept with the most females.

I'm starting to dislike a tattoo I got years ago. Now I know what Holocaust survivors feel like.

I'm involved in a collaborative art project with my cat. It's in the beginning stages, so I can't say much, but it involves vomit & carpet.

Just found out my high school Driver's Ed instructor has been diagnosed with Parallel Parkinson's disease. That's got to be devastating.

Some tweets I laugh at and some I just glare at with genuine and intolerable envy.

Douché. That's how you reply to someone who's out-douched you.

I love going into PetSmart's aquarium aisle and start angrily accusing employees of obtaining their fish from guppy mills.

My family crest is a pair of hands eternally struggling to open a stubborn jar of pickles.

You can have my amateur genetic experiment laboratory when you pry it from my cold dead 2nd set of hands.

My 100th tweet: When the camera zooms out & I'm in an asylum muttering "stars" "fail whale" & a nurse says it's been like this for 1 yr now.

Is it just me, or does an armadillo look like a piglet in special forces uniform?

I see a lot of "South Will Rise Again" bumper stickers. How about a new slogan the South wont make good w/ like "South Will Take Up Jogging"

Only porn sites get the dot-xxx domain names? Won't someone think of the lowly moonshiners, bootleggers, and rum-runners?

I miss the däys when ümläuts meänt sömething.

The Kardashians. Is this something I'd have to be a Trekkie to know about?

I bet when Gallagher finally decides to commit suicide, that sledgehammer's going to be tremendously handy.

The G-20 Summit: Inciting riots by ignoring video conferencing technology since the 1990's.

May I make a suggestion? A midi version of the song "Everybody Hurts" by R.E.M. embedded into the "Deactivate my account" Twitter page?