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Just found out my high school Driver's Ed instructor has been diagnosed with Parallel Parkinson's disease. That's got to be devastating.
This may not be; the proper forum; to reveal this; however; I have semi-colon cancer.
"Dolphin safe tuna" is a no-brainer. It's obvious that there's no way a dolphin can harm those tuna when they're safe inside that can.
Fun Fact: Out of all the guys who've read The Lord of the Rings Trilogy more than twice, Robert Plant has slept with the most females.
I'm starting to dislike a tattoo I got years ago. Now I know what Holocaust survivors feel like.
I'm involved in a collaborative art project with my cat. It's in the beginning stages, so I can't say much, but it involves vomit & carpet.
Some tweets I laugh at and some I just glare at with genuine and intolerable envy.
Douché. That's how you reply to someone who's out-douched you.
I love going into PetSmart's aquarium aisle and start angrily accusing employees of obtaining their fish from guppy mills.
My family crest is a pair of hands eternally struggling to open a stubborn jar of pickles.
You can have my amateur genetic experiment laboratory when you pry it from my cold dead 2nd set of hands.
My 100th tweet: When the camera zooms out & I'm in an asylum muttering "stars" "fail whale" & a nurse says it's been like this for 1 yr now.
Is it just me, or does an armadillo look like a piglet in special forces uniform?
I see a lot of "South Will Rise Again" bumper stickers. How about a new slogan the South wont make good w/ like "South Will Take Up Jogging"
Only porn sites get the dot-xxx domain names? Won't someone think of the lowly moonshiners, bootleggers, and rum-runners?
I miss the däys when ümläuts meänt sömething.
The Kardashians. Is this something I'd have to be a Trekkie to know about?
I bet when Gallagher finally decides to commit suicide, that sledgehammer's going to be tremendously handy.
The G-20 Summit: Inciting riots by ignoring video conferencing technology since the 1990's.
May I make a suggestion? A midi version of the song "Everybody Hurts" by R.E.M. embedded into the "Deactivate my account" Twitter page?
I am a 12 ft tall George WashingTron built from pipe cleaners and '93 Ford Escort parts.