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I don't drink as much as I used to because I ran out of vodka yesterday.
Legalize weed. Criminalize decaf.
A guy on Facebook got a new fish tank. Another guy called it "tyte." We're not missing anything over there.
You are so hot I want to paint you on my custom conversion van.
I'm ironing my jeans in case I ever go on a date :[
My date came over super-baked. If I had more pizza rolls I'd be getting laid for sure.
My drug of choice is D) all of the above.
If you've ever asked me, "What's the deal-io?" I am not sorry for putting broken glass in your food.
I want to make a cologne commercial with you.
The hope i get from opiates is almost inappropriate.
Half the women that breakup with me meet their husband within 6 months. Ladies?
You are going to be embarrassed when Bruce Jenner announces he is just a melted candle.
If you want to know the difference between gay rage and heterosexual malevolence, you are bi-furious curious
Side-boob in the winter is like seeing Sasquatch.
Remember to double-dose your meds when visiting family this week!
I get kinda awed by a person with NO iPhone case. Badass.
The greatest trick the devil played was making you think 12 cupcakes was somehow better than a whole fucking cake.
Happy 4th Birthday to my future second ex-wife. Meet you in 18 years!
My brain should be on "Hoarders"
Drink like its your neighbor's liver.