I don't drink as much as I used to because I ran out of vodka yesterday.

Legalize weed. Criminalize decaf.

A guy on Facebook got a new fish tank. Another guy called it "tyte." We're not missing anything over there.

You are so hot I want to paint you on my custom conversion van.

I'm ironing my jeans in case I ever go on a date :[

My date came over super-baked. If I had more pizza rolls I'd be getting laid for sure.

My drug of choice is D) all of the above.

If you've ever asked me, "What's the deal-io?" I am not sorry for putting broken glass in your food.

I want to make a cologne commercial with you.

The hope i get from opiates is almost inappropriate.

Half the women that breakup with me meet their husband within 6 months. Ladies?

You are going to be embarrassed when Bruce Jenner announces he is just a melted candle.

If you want to know the difference between gay rage and heterosexual malevolence, you are bi-furious curious

Side-boob in the winter is like seeing Sasquatch.

Remember to double-dose your meds when visiting family this week!

I get kinda awed by a person with NO iPhone case. Badass.

The greatest trick the devil played was making you think 12 cupcakes was somehow better than a whole fucking cake.

Happy 4th Birthday to my future second ex-wife. Meet you in 18 years!

My brain should be on "Hoarders"

Drink like its your neighbor's liver.