"r-e-s-p-e-c-t, find out what it means to pee." - urethra franklin

got distracted while cooking alphabet soup and it almost spelled disaster

dress for the job you want, not the job you have: *shows up late to shift at mcdonald's wearing batman costume*

lol http://t.co/1LrfoPPW

i'm not interested in some 'get rich quick' scheme, but i do need to make a lot of money really fast

i dont think "everybody" was kung-fu fighting, there must have been at least one guy hiding under a table?

"ugh, that is soo not how it's done!" - actual serial killers while they're watching dexter

To err is human, to arr is pirate.

if you don't have the energy for work today, just hand in your too weak notice

2 Pacs of Eminems for 50 Cents? That's Ludacris.

1) put a hoodie on backwards 2) fill the hood with chips 3) enjoy hands-free snacking

"yo, it's like an extra bed but it's just for your head." - vin diesel, explaining pillows #vindieselsunday

i will never not be amazed that the word 'bed' looks like a bed

i'm addicted to brake fluid but it's ok because i can stop anytime

celebrating hannukah instead of christmas? you're in the menorahty!

said "good afternoon" to this goth kid and he just exploded into a swarm of bats

"You miss one hundred percent of the shots you don't take." - Wayne Gretzky/Recovering Alcoholic

TEN YEARS AGO, WE HAD STEVE JOBS, BOB HOPE, AND DONALD TRUMP. NOW WE STILL HAVE DONALD TRUMP, WHY THE HELL DO WE STILL HAVE DONALD TRUMP

i would never let my children listen to jazz or classical music -- it's just full of sax and violins

thought i heard someone break in downstairs so i shouted "is someone there?" and they replied "nope". guess i can go to bed now.