At some point in my life "I'm up for whatever" turned into "not this shit, again."

My happy dance makes Blind Melon's bumble bee girl look like an amature whimsicalist.

This chick has more red flags than China on Mao Day.

I make friends by waiting for people to flex in public and then pretending to be impressed in an overly boisterous manner.

All we are saying America is it's better to be skinny with an eating disorder, than fat with an eating disorder.

No, sir. It does not behoove me. These feet are permanent.

"I am going to go to the bar and share my shitty opinions with strangers until they walk away." - a bastard.

Hopefully these karate lessons will keep my alarm clock from kicking my ass every morning.

"Fuck you we ain't closin'." - M'eyes.

"You guys are gonna regret this tomorrow." - M'brain.

"Just one more time..." - M'penis.

Don't dive into shallow friendships.

Money can't buy me love, but it can make loving me a lot easier.

I wish m'penis could sneak into vaginas as easily as it sneaks out of my boxers.

Virginity has five stages of development: Normal, noble, creepy, sad, and crazy cat lady.

I always introduce myself to people with my first and last name, so they can call me Mr. Watstein after feeling the strength of my handshake

Boring people just suck at telling their story.

People always seem surprised that I don't trust them, and I'm always surprised they find themselves so trustworthy.

Oh, hey 1920s! Your economy is doing well this summer? That's nice. I'm sitting in a 70 degree room in fucking June, and will be all summer.

I wish there were enough good looking, romantic, millionaire, professional athlete/actors for every girl to get what she thinks she deserves

I hate being too old to show off my empty bottles of booze on the top of the fridge.

Even as a child, I felt bad for the grownups living inside the clowns.