Facebook is to Twitter, as Sesame Street is to Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

Thanks to twitter I went from being the guy who honks at people that sit at green lights to the asshole who gets honked at every green light

Many men are single because they don't understand women...

...i'm single because I do...

Whats worse than Facebook you ask??



...A new couple on Facebook.

Thats what.

YOU call it texting and driving.


I call it pervin and swervin.

Soccer is the Nickelback of sports.

Dude. If a snowman came to life, you'd run for your fucking life. Trust me.

Nothing screams "I hate penis!" like when you load your Neon up with stuffed animals in the windows

I like how Hershey bars come pre-segmented as if we have the control to somehow not eat the whole fuckin thing in one sitting every time.

Finally watched Inception last night. That is NOT a stoner friendly movie

Umm. All those guys named Dick out there, that think we've all matured enough to not laugh at your name every time its mentioned..we haven't

God I hope i don't die and you guys find out

I like to wash laundry 3 times. Once for the first time, then twice to get the mold smell out from forgetting they were there the first time

In general, chicks that sleep in every day, are usually hot as balls

If you have nothing but nice, sweet, & positive things to say on here, I'd never know it, because I don't follow you.

I hope everybody's Vag is having an amazing day!

Fuckbuddies rule. That is all.

Guys mark their turf by peeing on your toilet seat. Women mark their turf by leaving hair all over your place.

If your FB post says how blessed you are to have such a great life. I hate you.

Nothin says, I think I get laid alot, but it never really happens ever, like dude's who wear white sunglasses.