I'm pretending to be interested in what you're saying, but really I'm tweeting about your stupidity under the table.

I haven't had a good night's sleep since I joined twitter. I'm always worried that I'm missing something funny. I miss sleep.

I should be a burlesque dancer. I'd totally rock at that.

This is made even more evident by my using 'totally' in a sentence.

Hey creepy waiter. When I said 'table with a view', I didn't mean I wanted you staring down my shirt all night.

New life goal: use boom chicka wow wow in a pickup line. And not get laughed at.

I'm finding it difficult to have original thoughts. I'm sure I've read all of my thoughts somewhere on twitter before.

Are people on reality tv shows really as stressed as they seem? I have one question..... Why?

Whatever happened to cooties? I'm expecting an epidemic soon and it won't be pretty. Consider yourselves warned.

You ARE special. You have a special way of bringing out my suppressed violent tendencies.

#LinesThatLeadToSex hi, nice to meet you. I'm Tiger Woods.

Fuck sleep. Who needs it.
(I'm playing hard to get but desperately hoping that sleep comes back to me)

A piece of me dies every time I see a man rocking a mullet.

#LinesThatLeadToSex Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

It's official. Twitter has replaced newspapers in bathrooms across the globe.

Shit. When did I cross the 100 follower mark? I had a speech prepared and everything.

Just thought I'd let you guys know that I'm pretty awesome.

#linesthatmakesureyouwontgetlaid the doctor says it's not contagious

#LinesThatLeadToSex here kitty, kitty kitty?

@fraufickendammt you're too classy for me, I have no clue what that is! I can't even fake a tweet now.

@whocuppedmycake plumber zombies like drains, dr-aaa-ins.